Asshole of the Month
from HUSTLER Magazine – July 2010

Nobody likes this guy—not even his fellow Republicans. Jim Bunning makes Dick Cheney look like the Tooth Fairy. Public-opinion polls show the senator’s approval rating in his home state of Kentucky is as low as 28%, which could explain why he isn’t seeking reelection in 2010. And even the GOP won’t support his efforts.

Bunning, whose intellectual rigor has been compared to cooked spaghetti, made news a few months back with his one-man filibuster to block the Senate from extending unemployment benefits. Never mind that out-ofwork Americans were depending on that money to pay their mortgages and feed their families. Bunning couldn’t have cared less. When asked by a Democrat to drop his opposition, he responded, “Tough shit!” Right! Tough shit for the 1.2 million people whose lives were thrown into turmoil.

The 78-year-old lawmaker, who suffers from delusions of competency, objected to extending government benefits because there wasn’t money in the budget to cover it. Let us explain something to you, Jim: The Senate has passed a lot of bills that ran us into a deficit. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, for starters. How come you weren’t concerned about paying for those boondoggles?! The bill you held up was to help average Americans who’d lost their jobs because of Republican policies. That’s your party, Asshole!

Of course, being a multimillionaire, Bunning has no trouble taking care of his own finances. Aside from the $174,000 he earns annually as a U.S. senator, he also has a side business that brings in serious bucks. We’re talking about the supposed nonprofit Jim Bunning Foundation. This “charity” has apparently raked in $504,000 since 1996, but it has doled out only around 25% of that amount.

Nonetheless, for an hour a week of his time, Bunning has paid himself a total of $180,000. That makes him the charity’s biggest recipient! (Maybe that’s why it’s called the Jim Bunning Foundation.) Melanie Sloan, executive director of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, said, “The whole thing is very troubling.”

So were Bunning’s actions during his 2004 reelection campaign. For example, the senator claimed that his opponent looked like “one of Saddam Hussein’s sons” and that he’d sent “little green doctors” to physically abuse Bunning and his wife. (No proof was ever offered.)

Bunning also walled himself off from the press and his constituents, actually hiding at Republican National Committee headquarters during a live debate with his opponent. Since he demanded the participants be in separate locations, the debate was conducted via TV cameras. And get this! Bunning read from a teleprompter! For a live debate! That beats the hell out of Sarah Palin’s writing on her hand, no?

The list of Bunning’s bizarre behavior goes on: In February 2009, at the Republicans’ Hardin County (Kentucky) Lincoln Day Dinner, he predicted that U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg would soon be dead of pancreatic cancer. (She’s still alive and kicking.) So weird is Bunning that he even “sent shivers” up Bill Clinton’s spine when the President tried dealing with him, recalls a former White House insider.

Maybe that explains why Time called Bunning one of America’s Five Worst Senators. He “shows little interest in policy unless it involves baseball,” the newsmagazine noted, citing his “lackluster performance.” In 2009, for example, Bunning missed over a week at the start of Congress. In December of that year he missed 21 Senate votes, including the Christmas Eve vote on healthcare. You remember that one, don’t you? Despite strong Republican resistance, it passed along party lines by a two-vote margin.

Remarkably, in his younger years, Bunning was actually a hero to kids who rooted for the Detroit Tigers and, later, the Philadelphia Phillies. (It’s ironic that the Hall of Fame pitcher is famous for his strikeouts both in baseball and in the Senate.) But even die-hard Phillies fans lost faith in Bunning when the team blew a six-game lead with only 12 left to play in the 1964 pennant race. The loss of ten straight games has largely been attributed to starting pitchers Bunning and Chris Short, but mostly Bunning. Among other things, he refused to follow instructions from the team’s manager.

So what does this all say about Bunning other than his being an example of a DNA-sequencing tragedy? You also could label Bunning a sociopath. Anyone willing to let other people suffer needlessly—thanks to his filibuster—is obviously devoid of human feeling. Corrupt is another word that comes to mind. Of course, we believe most lawmakers are corrupt. And the Jim Bunning Foundation sure raises our eyebrows.

Finally, Bunning is as dumb as a rosin bag. Apparently unhappy with press coverage during his last campaign, he told reporters, “Let me explain something: I don’t watch the news, and I don’t read the paper.” Right, Jim. That’s a good formula for staying on top of the issues. But how can you expect favorable coverage from the press when you gave the finger to an ABC reporter? Goodbye, Jim. You won’t be missed—by anyone!

Asshole of the Month – from HUSTLER Magazine – June 2010

Is he insane, stupid or just a clever cynic manipulating the public in pursuit of a buck? We think that Glenn Beck, who hosts a syndicated radio talk show and a televised counterpart on Fox News, is all three. Whatever the case, Beck is certainly an ugly, misshapen blob who spews out hate and misinformation that’s poisoning how Americans think and thereby weakening our country.

Still, we can’t help but pity Beck. There’s good reason for his twisted, corrosive mind-set. The poor guy’s childhood was a nightmare: His parents divorced when he was 13, his mother drowned in a boating accident two years later, and his stepbrother committed suicide. The Internet paints an even worse picture, but we choose not to go there and pray, for Beck’s sake, that the rumors aren’t true.

Considering his background, it’s no wonder that Beck is a mess of putrid contradictions and noxious bile. But a person like that should be given medical and psychological assistance. Instead, he’s been elevated to one of the highest rungs of our consumer-driven society: media star. What is it about Americans that makes so many flock to freaks? And how different is it from the Roman Empire’s bread and circuses?

That figure of speech refers to Roman rulers providing the masses food and entertainment, namely the bloody spectacles that took place in the Colosseum. And while Beck isn’t feeding Christians to the lions, there’s plenty of spectacle on his nightly show, as gleaned from the following quotes:

•“I’m thinking of killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I could hire somebody to do it…no, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out of him. Is that wrong?” •“The only [Hurricane Katrina victims] we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” •“You know, we all have our inner demons—I, for one. I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”

And that’s why America watches! We’re waiting to see what Beck will do or say next.We’re waiting to see if he will, in fact, collapse right before our eyes. Or if, given his family history, he’ll commit suicide on camera. It’s a freak show that’s earned Beck a reported $50 million! He has actually made his diagnosed attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder pay off!

The problem is that the Asshole’s loyal viewers believe the outlandish things Beck says. Consider his insane quote that President Obama has “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture…I believe this guy is a racist.”

There are two things wrong with that statement: Beck has absolutely no evidence to support the claim, and it inflames the gullible who are looking for an excuse—any excuse—to reject this nation’s first African-American President. Rather than discuss the issues intelligently, Beck steers his audience toward their own bigoted preconceptions.

Here’s another Beck bauble: “Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It’s the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did. That’s what Al Gore, the U.N. and everybody on the global-warming bandwagon [are doing].”

There are a number of problems with the foregoing statement. First, Beck smears Gore by tying him to Hitler, a cheap tactic with no credible backup. Next, he contends that Gore—like the Nazi dictator— is trying to silence dissenting voices. This would only be true if you felt making a strong, forceful argument based on science, facts and logic were somehow unfair because it silenced critics who could not back up their own position with science, facts and logic.

Finally, Beck ties global warming to globalization when the only thing those two notions have in common are the six letters that spell global. Global warming is a worldwide problem that could destroy us all. On the other hand, globalization is an attempt to create a single world government controlled by corporations. That latter idea, by the way, is embraced wholeheartedly by Beck and his fellow rightwingers, who support so-called free trade.

Does Beck see the contradictions in his assertions? He bellows, for example, “I consider myself a libertarian. I’m a conservative, but every day that goes by, I’m fighting for individual rights.” If you’re a libertarian conservative, you oppose regulating corporations even if they are detrimental to individuals. Ipso facto, the two concepts—being a right-wing libertarian and supporting individual rights—are incompatible.

One has to wonder what’s going on inside Beck’s excuse for a brain. It’s easy to imagine a whole lot of screaming, probably between his ego and his logic center. As for his libido, that’s probably curled up in the fetal position, sucking on its thumb. You know the guy is pussywhipped, right?

By Beck’s own admission, his second wife, Tania, rules the roost. Apparently she’s the reason the blowhard became a Mormon: “My wife is, like, hot, and she wouldn’t have sex with me until we got married, and she wouldn’t marry me unless we had a religion.” Of course, Beck already had one: Catholicism. Guess that wasn’t good enough for the missus. Tania had to find something that came with magic underwear for the hubby.

Of course, there’s another way of looking at Beck’s conversion: Three days after being baptized, the out-of-work disc jockey entered talk radio for the first time, launching The Glenn Beck Program at a Tampa, Florida, station. Cynics say it was the result of the powerful Mormon Church exerting its influence.

One last thing, Tania: Your husband prayed that Democratic congressman Dennis Kucinich would burst into flames. We pray that you kill your husband in his sleep.

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Asshole of the Month from HUSTLER MAGAZINE May 2010

What can you say about Dick Armey? Here’s a piece-ofshit Republican who probably flushed his soul down a toilet bowl when he was still a kid in North Dakota. Did he do it for money? Or was he always the kind of cynical son of a bitch who didn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but himself?

Money, it seems, has always been a prime motivator for Armey. After earning a Ph.D in economics from the University of Oklahoma, he took a professorship at what is now the University of North Texas. But teaching economics is really no substitute for actually going out into the world and stealing— uh, making—money for yourself. So how might this best be done? Armey must have asked himself.

The obvious answer: politics! Given the level of corruption in government, a young man with no conscience could easily pluck the low-hanging fruit and maybe even plant a few money trees of his own.

Armey was elected to the House of Representatives in 1984 as part of the Reagan Revolution. By 1995 he was House Majority Leader, using that position to throw his friend and benefactor Newt Gingrich under the bus. Way to go, Dick. Have no loyalty. Honor no commitments.

Armey went on to show his utter contempt for the American people and the democratic process. In 2000, for example, he spearheaded the GOP’s attempt to ridicule Al Gore during his Presidential bid. This smear campaign even claimed Gore said he’d invented the Internet, an outright lie that, unfortunately, many Americans bought into.

Armey was also a notorious lackey of Big Tobacco, and he pushed for the privatization of Social Security. Given the crash of 2008, that would have been a disaster. Bad enough that 401(k)’s took such a hit. Armey’s economics students should get a refund.

But the foregoing was just a warmup for his post-Congressional hijinks. As head of the activist group FreedomWorks, Armey is currently working overtime to clog the gears of the political process with his right-wing shit. By financing fake grassroots activism, notably the Tea Party movement, Armey upended any possibility of true political dialogue last summer when Congress went home to talk to their constituents about healthcare reform.

Under his control, Tea Party members— loaded down with disinformation—were directed to disrupt all Democratic attempts to explain their position on the subject. (As also evidenced by his support of Big Tobacco, Armey is clearly not concerned with how many Americans die thanks to his deceit and influence.) Additionally, Armey’s FreedomWorks propagated the lie that Obama was trying to “socialize medicine.” Socialized medicine? Give us a break! The President has been sucking the teat of the healthcare and pharmaceutical industries since day one.

Here’s why money may be part and parcel of Armey’s antics: In 2008 the propagandist received $555,000 from the nonprofit FreedomWorks. (Nonprofit for FreedomWorks, but plenty profitable for Armey.) And that doesn’t count the 25 grand a pop he gets in speaking fees and the additional hefty sums he receives as a presumed lobbyist for pharmaceutical giant Bristol-Myers Squibb, Metropolitan Health Networks and other healthcare companies. Armey may not be much of an economist when it comes to helping the American people, but he’s awfully good at taking care of his own economic situation.

Armey defended his position on healthcare by saying: “We are a wealthy nation, and there is not much reason that I can justify for anybody who lives within our borders doing without essential healthcare.” He’s right! There’s only one reason: the GOP. And there is no justification for it at all.

Armey went on to say: “I’m happy to tell you that very few people do [lack health insurance].” Armey apparently thinks 45 million people is “very few.” We don’t ask a lot from our economics professors these days, but they should at least be able to calculate percentages.

Here’s another Armey gem: “The largest empirical problem we have in healthcare today is too many people are too overinsured.” There’s that numbers thing again. How, exactly, does being overinsured hurt anybody, Dickie? And who are these overinsured people anyway? Oh, it’s the fat cat politicians. (From our point of view, the real problem in America is there are too many overcompensated politicos.)

Of course, Armey’s shaky grasp of economics can easily be traced to his expressed belief in the Milton Friedman school of economics. You may know Friedman’s philosophy as “trickle- down economics” or, as George H.W. Bush put it, “voodoo economics.” (One of the few times Bush Senior was right about anything.) It’s a theory that’s been shunned by all but the filthy rich, who still benefit (at the expense of the working poor) from its implementation.

However, what really gets us about Armey is his stoking fear and hatred of our government, saying things like: “Nearly every important office in Washington, D.C., today is occupied by someone with an aggressive dislike for our heritage, our freedom, our history and our Constitution.” He means, of course, that anyone who contradicts his pro-corporate vision of government is anti-American.

Apparently Dickie Boy has forgotten that the political process is all about debating different positions, or he just doesn’t respect the democratic process itself. We bet it’s the latter. So what turned Armey into such an amoral prick? Was he the victim of child abuse? We suppose that getting fucked up the ass by a relative could easily account for his cold and dispassionate attitude. Or maybe he actually made a deal with the devil. It certainly seems as if he’s sold his soul.

Listen up, Dick: As a former economist, you’re supposed to be good with figures. Well, here’s one you should focus on: Most Americans have your number. You’re a big, fat zero. Fuck you, Asshole!
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MAY 2010 – HUSTLER Magazine

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Asshole of the Month from HUSTLER MAGAZINE April 2010

What the heck was Al Gore thinking when he ran for President in 2000? Joe Lieberman for V.P.? The Democrat from Connecticut had won a Senate seat in 1988 with the support of conservative Republicans who wanted the more liberal Lowell Weicker out. Lieberman was also the first Dem to publicly criticize Bill Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. And he’d sided with the GOP in 1995 to limit punitive damage awards in product-liability cases. In other words, let companies make any shitty, dangerous products they want, but prevent consumers from seeking fair reparations in court if a product causes injury or death.

Of course, that was just the beginning of Lieberman’s headlong attack on logic, ethics and his own political party. Ten years later, in 2005, he voted for the Class Action Fairness Act, which severely limited the ability of plaintiffs to file class-action suits against corporations in federal courts. (Score another one for Big Business.) And let’s not forget that Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party in 2006 to seek reelection as an independent, supported GOP Presidential candidate John McCain in 2008. It was McCain who propelled Sarah Palin into the national spotlight by picking her as his running mate. Sarah Palin! We still have to live with that nightmare!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, Lieberman even campaigned with McCain—who appeared to be in the throes of dementia—and challenged candidate Barack Obama’s willingness to put his country first. And when asked if he agreed with Bill Kristol’s statement that Obama might be a Marxist, Lieberman responded, “Well, you know, that’s a good question.”)

Despite that bit of ugliness, Obama—as President— blocked a Democratic move to kick Lieberman off the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs, which he chairs. How did Lieberman thank his benefactor? By openly campaigning against Obama’s healthcare bill. It’s certainly worth noting that more insurance companies are headquartered in Connecticut than any other state. Lieberman himself has received more than $900,000 since 2005 from insuranceindustry sources. No other lobby has contributed as much. Beyond that, his wife, Hadassah, worked for a lobbying firm specializing in health and pharmaceuticals. Can you say conflict of interest?

But wait. As the TV pitchmen say, there’s more. Much more! This senator from hell, this wretched assault on human evolution, has already stated he will support Republicans in 2010. Further, he has joined forces with Lynne Cheney in criticizing universities for being “anti-American,” i.e., too liberal. Lynne fuckin’ Cheney! Has he no shame?

Apparently not. In 2008, Lieberman accepted an award from fanatical preacher John Hagee, who bellows that God sent Hitler to kill the Jews so they would all move to Israel, where most of them will be dispatched to hell come the Apocalypse. You got that? Sarah Palin! Lynn Cheney! John Hagee! Three notorious psychopaths.

But let’s not leave out the fourth horseman of the psychopaths: Alberto Gonzales. Can you remember the smug yet somehow vacant expression on the then-Attorney General’s face when he repeatedly told Congress he couldn’t recall his role in formulating the policies of George W. Bush? Gonzales is the lackey who labeled as “quaint” the Geneva Conventions, which bar torture. Believe it or not, Lieberman actually champions this notion.

When Gonzales was forced to resign in the wake of the scandalous firing of U.S. attorneys who’d resisted Bush policies that violated the law, Lieberman said Gonzales “deserved our appreciation for his work for our nation.” That would only be true if Lieberman meant Gonzales’s efforts to turn America fascist.

The list of odious positions embraced by Lieberman is virtually endless: He supports the World Trade Organization, which is responsible for shipping Americans’ jobs overseas. He is a staunch chickenhawk who backed Bush’s wars in the Middle East. He does not support gay marriage, believes in tax cuts for the rich and increasingly seems to favor the interests of Israel over those of the United States.

Lieberman’s lurch to the right has become so extreme that in 2007 his Senate Homeland Security Committee held zero oversight hearings regarding Bush’s controversial policies, and he even backed away from preelection demands to investigate the Bush White House’s response to Hurricane Katrina. Just as disturbing, Lieberman told nutcase Glenn Beck, “You’re a good man,” and right-wing radio personality Hugh Hewitt, “I’m proud of you.” Ugh!

We hear from pundits that Lieberman’s antics are basically a cry for attention from a short fellow who has spent his life struggling with a raging inferiority complex. But, stature aside, we think someone who was determined to deny 45 million Americans adequate healthcare—thus consigning many of them to an early grave—is nothing less than a psychopath.

Pile shit high enough, put a yarmulke on it, and you’ve got pious, independent Senator Joe Lieberman. Independent of the American people, maybe, but hostage to Big Business—and Israel. Oh, by the way, Joe, Israel has universal healthcare.

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APRIL 2010 – HUSTLER Magazine


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Asshole of the Month from HUSTLER MAGAZINE March 2010

God, she’s stupid! There are breadsticks with a higher IQ than Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota). But, honestly, if you’re into older women, she is very fuckable. Not warm and fuzzy “I love you” fuckable. More like boundgagged- and-hooked-up-to-an- Accu-Jack fuckable. And ya know, Michele probably needs a good fuck because her husband certainly doesn’t look up to the task. We’re not saying Dr. Marcus Bachmann is gay, but he sure comes across as a flaming queen. Poor Michele.

Lack of sex could explain why she is so totally and completely head-banging- against-the-wall crazy. Spend your entire life thinking sex is only for procreation, and we guarantee you’ll hear God talking to you too.

You know about that God thing, right? Bachmann claims that Jehovah told her to run for the U.S. Congress. She also suggested that the swine flu is some kind of Democratic conspiracy, that Obama wants to destroy America and that the people of Minnesota should be “armed and dangerous on the issue of the energy tax.” If you can say things like that, you almost have to be hearing voices in your head.

But let’s step back and consider Michele Bachmann on the merits. Wait! There are no merits! Only a string of ignorant and/or insane positions going all the way back to 1993, when she and other parents established the New Heights Charter School in Stillwater, Minnesota.

Bachmann very well might have been hearing voices back then too. At the publicly funded school she supported the teaching of Creationism (a belief system that disregards scientific facts). Guess Bachmann didn’t think it important to maintain the separation of Church and State.Thankfully, the taxpayers did, and she was pressured to resign from the charter school’s board of directors.

More dustups with reality followed. In 2003, while serving as a state senator, Bachmann proposed a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. (It was defeated then and again when it resurfaced in 2004 and 2005.) Her church, part of the Evangelical Lutheran Synod, apparently believes that the Catholic pope is the antichrist. And Bachmann herself has accused fellow lawmakers of being anti-American.

Here are her exact words: “I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out, are they pro-American or anti-American?”

You understand, of course, that when Bachmann says “anti-American,” she’s referring to people who do not share her rabid, Biblethumping, empty-headed, extreme right-wing point of view. Those people include Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and even President Barack Obama.

Let us point something out to this befuddled religious zealot: Attacking policies of a previous administration—say George W. Bush’s, for example— does not mean you are anti-American. It means you oppose invading a country for no justified reason (Iraq) and trashing our Constitutional safeguards (the USA PATRIOT Act). Actually, if you get right down to it, what could be more anti- American than gutting the Constitution?

Meanwhile, Bachmann has declared war on sanity. When she suggested that the citizens of Minnesota should be “armed and dangerous,” she also mentioned: “Thomas Jefferson told us, ‘Having a revolution every now and then is a good thing’ and the people—We the People— are going to have to fight back hard if we’re not going to lose our country.”

Oops! Guess we’ve answered the question about what could be more anti-American than gutting the Constitution: calling for armed revolution against our government! That is exactly what Bachmann is advocating.

Here’s what Bachmann’s rightwing followers must understand: She may start out with a basic fact, something that is happening and should be of concern. Then, after compressing it down to its most simplistic form, she throws some wacky, double-think spin on it.

Take healthcare reform. Bachmann called the public option “a government takeover of healthcare” that would “squeeze out private insurance.” In reality, only a small percentage of people would be eligible for a public option, and private insurers have nothing to fear. Obama’s reform package is actually a financial bonanza for the healthcare industry.

Bachmann is apparently too stupid or too confused to grasp what’s going on, much less figure out any subtlety. Or the congresswoman is intentionally misleading her constituents. Either way, she needs an intervention. You shouldn’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater. And you shouldn’t yell “Revolution!” without just cause. Those who do such things need to be hospitalized, educated or taken off the stage— in Bachmann’s case, by the voters.

As part of Michele’s desperately needed treatment, maybe her husband could step up to the plate. Your wife needs a good pounding, Marcus! Clear out her tubes so she can start to think clearly.We know it’ll take time for Michele to regain her reasoning skills, but with help and compassion she might eventually be able to dress herself and utter a coherent thought.

Until then, the people of Minnesota are represented by an Asshole who is spreading her poisonous lies throughout the country.

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ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH
from HUSTLER February 2010

“You lie!”, shouted South Carolina’s Joe Wilson as President Barack Obama addressed a joint session of Congress. The liar, however, was Representative Wilson. As Obama had claimed seconds before being heckled by the GOP lawmaker, nothing in the healthcare-reform legislation suggests illegal immigrants would be eligible.

It takes colossal gall to insult a sitting President—in the halls of Congress, no less. But ya know what? We don’t give a rat’s ass about that. We just think it’s too bad the spineless Democrats didn’t treat George W. Bush with as much abject contempt as the Republicans treat Obama. Bush deserved such treatment.

What bothers us about Wilson’s outburst is its apparent underlying racism, especially since nothing like this ever happened before. Consider the following: Wilson is a member of Sons of Confederate Veterans, an organization said to be riddled with radical neo-Confederates who advocate secession and defend slavery.

Beyond that, Wilson served as an aide to Senator Strom Thurmond, a notorious segregationist and racist. In fact, Wilson was so enthralled with Thurmond’s ugly philosophy that he castigated Essie Mae Washington when she came forward to reveal she was Thurmond’s illegitimate biracial daughter. At first, Wilson said Washington was lying, but when Thurmond admitted to being the woman’s father, he called her remarks a “smear.” And, lest we forget, in 2000—as a state senator—Wilson was one of seven Republicans who voted to keep the Confederate flag flying over South Carolina’s State House. The measure was soundly defeated.

Even if Wilson were a staunch supporter of the NAACP and a member of Jesse Jackson’s Rainbow PUSH Coalition and perhaps even black himself, he’d still be an Asshole. Eligible for military service during the Vietnam War, Wilson hid behind deferment after deferment. Then, after graduating from the University of South Carolina School of Law, he miraculously snagged a highly sought-after spot in the Army Reserve. No way was he going to risk his neck for his country. Since Wilson voted in support of the Iraq War, that makes him just another Republican chickenhawk.

Wilson’s hostile position toward the Obama healthcare-reform package probably has less to do with any true philosophical beliefs than it does with hard-nosed political pragmatism: The Congressman has received $414,000 from the health sector since taking his seat in 2001. That might also explain why Wilson voted against healthcare for veterans 11 times, including cuts to the Veterans Administration and TRICARE4. To an outsider looking in, it would appear that the healthcare industry owns Joe Wilson. Actually, if you think about it, that’s kinda like owning Baltimore Avenue when playing Monopoly.

Wilson’s hostility toward healthcare reform and Obama is so obsessive that he supported Bates Motel-crazy Glenn Beck’s 9/12 march on Washington. Remember, it was Beck who made the ludicrous charge that Obama is a “racist.” Wilson’s encounter with the President is not the first time he’s had such extreme outbursts.

According to the Washington Post, Wilson attacked Representative Bob Filner (DCalifornia) while appearing on C-SPAN’s Washington Journal. The reason? Filner had accurately stated that the United States once supplied Saddam Hussein with materials for nuclear and biological weapons. Once again we see that presenting Wilson with the facts does nothing but inflame him. He has contempt for the truth. By extension, it follows he has contempt for the American people. And why shouldn’t he? His distortions and lies have worked for him so far.

You must be contemptuous to say black is white, as it were. Or up is down. Or America has the best healthcare in the world. (We rank 37 in effective treatment and outcomes.) Even though he was demonstrably wrong in asserting that the President was lying, Wilson issued only a perfunctory apology before retreating to a pseudo-populist position by stating he would not “be muzzled.”

Then he started lying again: “Liberals who want to give healthcare to illegals are using my opposition as a distraction….They want to silence anyone who’s against [the government’s healthcare plan].” Just as aggravating, Wilson continues to call the plan “government run” when that’s patently untrue. Obama’s plan would only have the government as the payer—as opposed to the insurance companies— for those using the public option.

What’s really disturbing is that Wilson’s kids are poised to follow in Daddy’s footsteps. His oldest son, Alan McCrory Wilson—a lawyer—has his eye on the South Carolina state attorney general’s seat. Here’s what we can do to nip this nascent dipshit dynasty in the bud: Make a donation to Rob Miller, Joe Wilson’s Democratic opponent in the 2010 elections. (Miller’s Web site is RobMillerForCongress.com.)

Finally, there’s this: Joe Wilson is not really Joe Wilson. The Asshole’s legal name is Addison Graves Wilson Sr. Perhaps it’s a small point, but it does underscore the fact that it’s Wilson who is a liar.

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Asshole of the Month from HUSTLER Magazine -December 2009

Honestly, we’re not sure who the real Asshole should be—Alexia Kelley or President Obama for appointing her to head the Department of Health and Human Services’ Center for Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships.

We understand Obama’s thing about bringing political opponents into his government, à la Abraham Lincoln, but come on! Kelley, an antichoice zealot, will have the power to reduce abortion access in an agency charged with expanding it, or at least facilitating it. Given that, you might think Obama should be our nominee for Asshole of the Month. But since we still want to give the Prez time to prove himself, we’ll focus on the holier-than-thou Kelley.

As founder of Catholics in Alliance for the Common Good (CACG), Kelley is not just antiabortion but also anti-contraception. Hello? If you are against abortions, shouldn’t you be for birth control? Most mainstream Catholics have dismissed anti-contraception church doctrine as a quaint, unsophisticated relic of the Middle Ages.

Not Kelley. According to blogger Francis Kissling, Kelley is so anti-choice, she comes across as “more Catholic than the Pope.” While the CACG claims its agenda is “seeking common ground” with those in favor of choice, what’s clear is that there isn’t a lot of real estate to stand on.

Kelley’s way of reducing the abortion rate, for example, is to pay pregnant women to go fullterm. That includes funding programs for job creation, primary and prenatal healthcare and nutrition. But Kelley’s study, which purported to show a reduction in abortions as the result of such programs, has been largely discredited.

Logic alone, it would seem, negates Kelley’s position on how to reduce abortions. How can you strive to reduce abortions while at the same time oppose comprehensive sex education? It stands to reason that if you provide information on sexual reproduction, women will be better able to avoid unwanted pregnancies. But, gosh, that would mean disseminating information on contraception, wouldn’t it? And that’s against Kelley’s beliefs as a Catholic.

Just look at what the CACG has to say about abortion: “We support full legal protection for unborn children as a requirement of justice and as a matter of essential human rights.” Is Kelley the ideal person to hold a “faithbased” government position? Or should Obama have appointed someone from, say, Catholics for Choice, a progressive organization that’s been around far longer than the CACG?

Let’s examine the root of Kelley’s beliefs: Catholicism itself. Adherents are told that the Pope is infallible. So if he says abortion is wrong, then it must, perforce, be wrong. Someone who is infallible, by definition, can’t be wrong—the 1992 pardoning (or absolution) of Galileo not withstanding. Damn that Galileo with his scientific trickery about the Earth not being the center of the universe! Damn those telescopes! And, of course, the Vatican wasn’t wrong to blame the death of Jesus on the Jews, setting in motion centuries of anti-Semitic violence that led directly to the Holocaust in Nazi Germany—and the deaths of six million Jews. Nor was the Vatican wrong during the Spanish Inquisition when countless “heretics” were tortured to death. And how about its claim that all non-Catholics are going to hell? Could all that be wrong? No! Impossible! Unless, of course, the Catholic Church has, throughout history, zealously embraced stupidity and ignorance. Which is more likely? Infallible? Stupid?

The church seems to agree with the latter, since it has admitted those aforementioned precepts were wrong. Probably some heavenly static on the direct line to God. And let’s not get into that nastiness about the Vatican’s protection of pedophile priests.

Regarding abortions, Kelley maintains that this time the Pope is most certainly correct. Abortion is wrong; birth control is wrong; sex education is wrong. The Pope couldn’t be blowing smoke up our ass again, could he? But what about global warming? Overpopulation? That couldn’t possibly be a valid reason for birth control, could it? (It’s not okay to abort a zygote, but apparently it is okay to abort all life on our planet.) And what about those who choose abortion because they can’t afford to provide the child with a good home? Does Kelley plan on providing cash to such women after they give birth?

More than anything, however, we wonder by what right Kelley thinks she should impose her religious beliefs on everyone else. Oh, yeah, by divine right taken from a book written by people who thought that the world was flat and that if you could throw a stone high enough, you would break the sky.

Since Kelley’s religious beliefs are so much a part of her life, it’s only fair to ask how she found Catholicism.Was it by thoroughly investigating every spiritual philosophy? Or was it a sudden moment of blinding insight after years of searching, introspection and meditation? Oh, that’s right. Kelley was born into it! It’s so much easier that way.You believe what your parents believe. You know, the more we think about it, the more convinced we are that Kelley is the right choice for Asshole of the Month.

But what about Obama? He’s not Catholic. It’s worth noting, though, that the CACG is generally credited with pushing the conservative voters of Kansas into electing Democrat Kathleen Sebelius governor in 2006. (She’s now Secretary of Health and Human Services.) The CACG is also believed to have helped Obama pull in Catholic voters. Could the Sebelius and Kelley appointments be political payback? Can you say business as usual?
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You may purchase the hard copy of the December 2009 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine (with free shipping) at HustlerMagazine.com.

You may purchase a digital copy of the December 2009 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine at UnderCoverMags.com.

Asshole of the Month from HUSTLER MAGAZINE September 2009

Representative Jane Harman (DCalifornia) should admit she’s a whore and take a job at the Moonlite BunnyRanch. Of course, we expect she’d only give blowjobs to Israelis and Alberto Gonzales. And, okay, maybe a few Republicans.

 Think we’re being unfair? Then what do you make of this? In a 2005 wiretap, Harman was heard allegedly promising to use her influence to reduce espionage-related charges against two Israeli agents, provided the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) lobbied to get her appointed chair of the House Intelligence Committee.

Well, what was a poor girl to do? (Although estimated to be the second-richest member of Congress, Harman is, alas, morally bankrupt.) Speaker Nancy Pelosi had already passed her over for the Intelligence Committee post. So who wouldn’t contemplate treason to secure that position? (It sure looks like treason to us. Based on the tape, Harman was allegedly conspiring with a foreign government to subvert our justice system.)

Why is all this only coming out now? Back in 2006, then-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales apparently ordered the FBI to kill the investigation because he needed Harman’s support for the illegal, warrantless National Security Agency surveillance program being pushed through Congress. Delicious irony, no? Harman ultimately backed the kind of activity that resulted in her undoing.

 But it gets better. Harman went ballistic when she learned her own phone had been tapped, calling it  “an abuse of power. “ Confused? Let us explain: Wiretapping is only wrong when she’s under surveillance. Seems very Republican, doesn’t it? 

“[I’m] the best Republican in the Democratic Party, “ Harman proclaimed during her failed 1998 race for California governor. We’ll take the lawmaker at her word. She voted with the GOP to restrict rules on personal bankruptcy (a knife aimed at the heart of the middle class). She supported the Iraq War. She sponsored the Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007, which imposed unconstitutional limitations on free speech. As head of the House Homeland Security Subcommittee on Intelligence, Information Sharing and Terrorism Risk Assessment, Harman must have known about clandestine activities, including torture. Worse, in 2004 she apparently tried pressuring the New York Times into deep-sixing the story that exposed the NSA’s warrantless wiretapping. 

“I believe the program is essential to U.S. national security, “ she said back then,  “and that its disclosure has damaged critical intelligence capabilities. “ Harman went on to call whistleblowers  “despicable “ and argued for  “limits on press immunity. “ Harman, you pathetic bitch. If it’s abuse of power when the government spies on you, then it’s abuse of power when the rest of us are spied on. Of course, in your case, you actually do seem to be committing an indictable offense. On the other hand, most Americans subjected to illegal surveillance hadn’t committed a criminal act.

Then there’s the press. You’ve argued it has too much immunity when it exposes the truth. But full immunity for the telecommunications companies that cooperated with the government’s illegal snooping on their customers is perfectly okay, right? You did vote to grant them retroactive immunity. So you’re against an unfettered press and for a repressive, Stalinist government that spies on its own people— as long as it isn’t you.

We should also note that Harman’s attempt to suppress the story of the Bush Administration’s illegal wiretapping just before the hotly contested 2004 Presidential election was certain to benefit the incumbents, not her own party. She betrayed both her fellow Democrats and her country with that single act alone.

Hopefully, the government will prosecute Harman (who has denied any wrongdoing regarding her tape-recorded conversation) and put her in jail. If not, she’s likely to run for governor of California again unless Barbara Boxer or Dianne Feinstein beats her to the punch. But this egomaniacal little cocksucker won’t be satisfied with the governorship. In truth, we’ve heard she actually has her eye on the Presidency.

Apparently, one of Harman’s chief supporters is pro-Israeli billionaire Haim Saban. A Democratic Party benefactor, Saban was allegedly working with AIPAC when he threatened to withhold political funding to Pelosi if she didn’t nominate Harman for the Intelligence Committee chair. Should Harman ever become President, she’d owe her allegiance to the Israeli lobby. God help us.

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You may purchase the September 2009 Issue of HUSTLER Magazine (with free shipping) from HustlerMagazine.com.

As healthcare reform legislation works its way through Congress, the following lawmakers have appreciable financial interests in the healthcare and pharmaceutical industries:

Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nevada): invested to the tune of $50,000 in a major healthcare index;

family of Representative Jane Harman (DCalifornia): a $3.2-million stake in numerous healthcare entities;

Senator John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) and wife: $5.2 million in pharmaceutical companies like Eli Lilly and Merck;

Senator Judd Gregg (R-New Hampshire): possibly as much as $560,000 worth of stock in Bristol-Myers Squibb, etc.;

Senator Johnny Isakson (RGeorgia): $165,000 in medical and drug stocks; Senator Kay Hagan (D-North Carolina): holdings in 20 healthcare companies for $180,000 or more;

Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Connecticut): wife received more than $200,000 in stocks and salary as a board member of four healthcare firms;

Senator Michael Crapo (R-Idaho): owner of healthcare stocks worth $16,879.

Do you really expect these gas bags to be impartial when considering alternatives to the current system that could affect their bottom line?

If you could look inside Carrie Prejean’s head, you’d probably find a black hole sucking out every intelligent thought she’s ever had. That assumes the dethroned Miss California USA ever had an intelligent thought.

Prejean, an evangelical Christian, first came to the nation’s attention during the 2009 Miss USA pageant, which is owned by Donald Trump. Asked by celebrity judge Perez Hilton for her views on gay marriage, Prejean torpedoed any chance she might have had of winning the competition by remarking, “We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. … I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman…that’s how I was raised.”

What the fuck is this “opposite marriage” shit? Opposite marriage would be no marriage, wouldn’t it? Calling straight marriage opposite marriage made her look like a confused, inarticulate ass, which, of course, she is.
Prejean explained her statement by claiming that Satan tempted her to give one answer, but that God instructed her to tell the truth. Chalk one up for the Almighty! But we guess Satan won the argument about Prejean improving on God’s work by getting breast implants. “It’s okay, Carrie,” Satan must have whispered. “What does God know about bathing suit competitions anyway?”

Having to settle for first runnerup, Prejean once again demonstrated her inability to follow a simple logical thread by claiming that her beliefs about gay marriage had cost her the Miss USA crown. Clearly, however, a more compelling reason for her defeat—if indeed she was ever close to winning the title—was Prejean’s clumsy, inarticulate and downright stupid way of presenting her views on a controversial subject.

No sane person expects the participants in a beauty pageant to be smart. For the most part, these women have been able to get by solely on their looks. They have no need to study or read, God forbid. They are, however, very adept at plucking their eyebrows and applying lip gloss. Can you say vacuous?

But let’s take a closer look at the leggy blonde’s position on gay marriage. Following the pageant, Miss Brain Dead 2009—no one can take that title from her—appeared in a television commercial produced by the National Organization for Marriage. It argued against granting gay couples the right to legally wed.

It’s one thing to say you don’t favor gay marriage and quite another to actively work against it. The Jessica Simpson lookalike was now making public appearances and lobbying for issues outside—and often in conflict with—her contractual obligations as Miss California USA.

It was, however, seminude pics of Prejean on the Internet that first got her into hot water. The clueless Bible thumper responded to the hullabaloo by stating that she was “naive” and “young” when the photography was done and that “photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously. … I am not perfect, and I never claimed to be.”

Scientists believe nothing can escape from a black hole but scattered random particles. In Prejean’s case, what escaped were random lies. The photos, it turns out, had been taken the same year as the pageant. So the 21st century’s Anita Bryant isn’t even good at lying, something most attractive women excel at.

Even so, Prejean survived that firestorm. It was the rapidly imploding notalent’s apparent inability to show up for scheduled activities that proved her ultimate undoing. Personally, we at HUSTLER feel this was not a satisfactory reason for canning the beauty queen. Given her neutrino-size intellect, we suspect Prejean gets lost whenever she steps out of her front door. You have to expect certain problems when you hire the handicapped.

Had we the opportunity, we would ask the formerly flat-chested Prejean what exactly God has against gay marriage. Is it the oral sex? The anal sex? The obsessive need to color coordinate? We seem to recall that Jesus preached, “Love one another.”We don’t recall any subsequent amendments.

As regards black holes, some astrophysicists believe that matter sucked into one might pop up in an alternate universe. In fact, string theory postulates that we live in a multiverse where every possibility exists. If that’s true, somewhere there’s a universe in which Hitler was victorious. And another where Carrie Prejean is intelligent. Nah! Maybe scientists should reexamine string theory.

One good thing: Prejean’s liberal arts degree in special education means that when this Asshole starts to teach, she might actually be able to keep up with her students.