Ted Newsom looks at our “favorite” neocon from a medical vantage point. 

Okay, motormouth pinup girl for the forces of evil? Sure. Braying, soulless ice queen? Yes, yes. Devious toady for the repressive Right? Yeah, we can agree on that too. But is this lanky creature a woman? A man? A transvestite, a transsexual, an odd variation thereof, or is the high-profile blonde what old-time carnival barkers called freaks like Zip the Pinhead: “Whatzis”?

Many opponents place the commentator’s sexuality at the mutant end of the spectrum. Before we toss these insults into the wastebasket, remember that sexual definition is a bell curve, with extreme male and female examples on either end…and a lot of combinations in between. The dictionary defines hermaphrodite as a being—animal or human—with the genitalia of both genders.

Putting aside for a moment whether or not Ann Coulter can be classified as a “human being,” many observers wonder if her chromosomes are arranged in the right order. That would make her more guy than girl—intersexed, to be precise, the new catchall term for unfortunates with scrambled sex genes.

Another strange hormone malfunction is Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS). To put it simply, people with this screwed-up chromosome combination look like women, but on their basic, chemical level are men, with the XY chromosome rather than XX, like 100% of women. Let’s go through the medical diagnosis and see if Ann Coulter looks like a good candidate.

AIS sufferers typically have a female appearance and genitalia. They are usually, notes a medical report on the condition, “larger in all body measurements, although with a tendency to a slim body.” Another report cites “slight masculinization of the skeleton, with proportionally longer legs and arms, and larger hands and feet than the average XX woman.”

Standing around six feet tall, Coulter is as skinny as Karen Carpenter after an Auschwitz vacation, with spidery hands that could spread across five octaves of a piano. It sounds like we’re on a roll.

One study reported that AIS women were often found “in occupations that pay high salaries for attractive female appearance such as modeling, acting or prostitution.” Looks like another hit: Coulter whores out to the tune of $25,000 per appearance to vomit her chunky-style invective.

Although AIS women have a vagina, they’re missing ovaries, a cervix and a uterus; the standard female innards just aren’t there. Instead of ovaries, the AIS person has undescended or partly descended testicles. Translation: They literally have balls.

Of course, it’s not as if the lack of a womb makes a woman useless. The “drawbacks” of AIS sometimes turn out to be benefits. California ob/gyn Vikki Huffnagel studied the history of the condition, stating, “In the old West, women with AIS were reportedly popular among the ranks of prostitutes. … They were tall, lean…and couldn’t get pregnant.” So, because of the hormone imbalance, AIS victims were as barren as burros, but well suited for screwing dusty saddle tramps upstairs in a frontier saloon.

Coulter gives various conflicting birth dates, but she’s definitely fortyish, has never been married and has never had children. This is looking solid.

Then there’s that pesky Adam’s apple. Okay, any emaciated wretch has sharp corners in places most women have curves, and  it could be that the frog-sized lump in Coulter’s throat might well disappear if the annoying neocon actually ate more than twice a week without throwing it all up.

In any event, the presence of an Adam’s apple on a woman is usually a clue to what lies below. If you’ve ever been bar-crawling, had too many drinks and reached down to get an unwanted surprise, you know what I mean. There is another, more radical school of thought: Ann Coulter may indeed have a cock.

The rare photos of the blabbermouth in slacks often reveal a suspicious bulge, and it ain’t your mother’s cameltoe.

A true hermaphrodite has a penis and a vagina, although neither tend to be fully developed. In adults, the vestigial dick might pass for a really engorged clit if you don’t look too closely. But intersexuals usually have their life-role decided by the doctors who get a gander at their 50/50 genitalia. A quick surgical procedure and presto! Denise becomes Dennis for the rest of his/her life, or Charlie becomes Charlene.

The problem is that sexuality is not determined by plumbing, but by hormones. It’s hormones that cause individuals to feel and think like men, or like women or something in between. That men and women think differently is a biochemical fact. For example, the male hormone testosterone is linked with aggressive behavior. Even if a well-meaning surgeon goes along with Mom and Dad’s decision to snip the extra mini-dick off an intersexed baby, and even if the parents raise the “girl” with pink chiffon, Barbie dolls and cookie-baking, the child’s chemistry will inevitably scream, “Hey, folks, I’m a boy!”

All this can lead to gender identity confusion: You don’t know what you are, so you’re pissed at the world. Quoting colleagues of his, George A. Reekers, Ph.D. (a professor of neuropsychiatry and behavioral science at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine and an expert on sex behavior patterns) describes a gender-puzzled child as “belligerent…uncontrolled and simultaneously lacking gentle and socially sensitive behaviors.” He also uses the term hypermasculine—a cartoon version of being male. Sounds a lot like our grown-up Annie.

Sure, Dr. Reekers is a Christian academic with right-wing tendencies, but that doesn’t make him a quack. He’s authored nine books and more than 120 articles on sexually confused kids. The doctor from Coulter’s own ideological camp further explains, “In pathological cases…[these] children deviate from the normal pattern of exploring masculine and feminine behaviors and develop an inflexible, compulsive, persistent and rigidly stereotyped pattern.” Inflexible? Compulsive and persistent? Rigidly stereotyped? Annie? Hello? Are you listening?

Another study of intersexed women focused on a predisposition to sexual dysfunction—the inability to have good sex because of their “shorter-than-average vaginas, an inability to respond to androgens, and anxieties or concerns about their condition, which could impact on self-esteem, body image, sensuality and sexual function.” To put it bluntly, intersexed women—prone to “difficulty with vaginal penetration, [sexual] infrequency and non-communication”—simply can’t handle getting laid.

If it’s true that Ann Coulter is an intersexual, it would almost be sad. The solution to the right-winger’s self-loathing anger is a good fuck, and she just can’t get it.

Tags: Ann Coulter, Ann Coulter a man

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