If you could look inside Carrie Prejean’s head, you’d probably find a black hole sucking out every intelligent thought she’s ever had. That assumes the dethroned Miss California USA ever had an intelligent thought.

Prejean, an evangelical Christian, first came to the nation’s attention during the 2009 Miss USA pageant, which is owned by Donald Trump. Asked by celebrity judge Perez Hilton for her views on gay marriage, Prejean torpedoed any chance she might have had of winning the competition by remarking, “We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. … I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman…that’s how I was raised.”

What the fuck is this “opposite marriage” shit? Opposite marriage would be no marriage, wouldn’t it? Calling straight marriage opposite marriage made her look like a confused, inarticulate ass, which, of course, she is.
Prejean explained her statement by claiming that Satan tempted her to give one answer, but that God instructed her to tell the truth. Chalk one up for the Almighty! But we guess Satan won the argument about Prejean improving on God’s work by getting breast implants. “It’s okay, Carrie,” Satan must have whispered. “What does God know about bathing suit competitions anyway?”

Having to settle for first runnerup, Prejean once again demonstrated her inability to follow a simple logical thread by claiming that her beliefs about gay marriage had cost her the Miss USA crown. Clearly, however, a more compelling reason for her defeat—if indeed she was ever close to winning the title—was Prejean’s clumsy, inarticulate and downright stupid way of presenting her views on a controversial subject.

No sane person expects the participants in a beauty pageant to be smart. For the most part, these women have been able to get by solely on their looks. They have no need to study or read, God forbid. They are, however, very adept at plucking their eyebrows and applying lip gloss. Can you say vacuous?

But let’s take a closer look at the leggy blonde’s position on gay marriage. Following the pageant, Miss Brain Dead 2009—no one can take that title from her—appeared in a television commercial produced by the National Organization for Marriage. It argued against granting gay couples the right to legally wed.

It’s one thing to say you don’t favor gay marriage and quite another to actively work against it. The Jessica Simpson lookalike was now making public appearances and lobbying for issues outside—and often in conflict with—her contractual obligations as Miss California USA.

It was, however, seminude pics of Prejean on the Internet that first got her into hot water. The clueless Bible thumper responded to the hullabaloo by stating that she was “naive” and “young” when the photography was done and that “photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously. … I am not perfect, and I never claimed to be.”

Scientists believe nothing can escape from a black hole but scattered random particles. In Prejean’s case, what escaped were random lies. The photos, it turns out, had been taken the same year as the pageant. So the 21st century’s Anita Bryant isn’t even good at lying, something most attractive women excel at.

Even so, Prejean survived that firestorm. It was the rapidly imploding notalent’s apparent inability to show up for scheduled activities that proved her ultimate undoing. Personally, we at HUSTLER feel this was not a satisfactory reason for canning the beauty queen. Given her neutrino-size intellect, we suspect Prejean gets lost whenever she steps out of her front door. You have to expect certain problems when you hire the handicapped.

Had we the opportunity, we would ask the formerly flat-chested Prejean what exactly God has against gay marriage. Is it the oral sex? The anal sex? The obsessive need to color coordinate? We seem to recall that Jesus preached, “Love one another.”We don’t recall any subsequent amendments.

As regards black holes, some astrophysicists believe that matter sucked into one might pop up in an alternate universe. In fact, string theory postulates that we live in a multiverse where every possibility exists. If that’s true, somewhere there’s a universe in which Hitler was victorious. And another where Carrie Prejean is intelligent. Nah! Maybe scientists should reexamine string theory.

One good thing: Prejean’s liberal arts degree in special education means that when this Asshole starts to teach, she might actually be able to keep up with her students.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 16th, 2009 at 2:50 am and is filed under Asshole Of The Month. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.