from HUSTLER Magazine October 2012
Hey, Billy boy, it’s been a while. The last time you graced this page was in 2003. We’re shocked that we let so much time go by. After all, you still have your show on the Fox News Channel. And it’s not as if you stopped being an asshole. In fact, you are clearly a bigger asshole than ever. Still, it might have taken us a bit longer to get back to you if it weren’t for your idiotic position regarding the fatal shooting of 17-year-old Florida resident Trayvon Martin.
First you complained about the public outcry that it took so long for the shooter, George Zimmerman, to be arrested. Then you attacked the victim by asking, “Is there anything wrong with knowing that he was suspended three times from school?” Really, Bill?! Using Martin’s scholastic records as possible justification for his shooting? Just how stupid are you?
The facts are clear: An unarmed African- American kid was gunned down by a selfappointed neighborhood watchman who pursued his quarry despite being instructed not to do so by a police dispatcher. Zimmerman shot and killed an innocent person. Nothing changes that, not even if Martin had burned down his school.
Then, Bill, there was your defense of Geraldo Rivera’s statement that “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman.” We’ve searched our files, and we can find no record of a hoodie ever being indicted for murder. Of course we get your Fox News colleague’s point: Black people shouldn’t wear hoodies—ever!—because they’re black! Only white people can get away with wearing them because, according to you and Rivera, white people don’t look like “wannabe gangsters” when they wear hoodies. That’s not just stupid, Bill. That’s downright racist.
But enough about your pathetic comments on the Trayvon Martin tragedy. We have ten years’ worth of O’Reilly stupidity to catch up on, starting with Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown University law student who was called a “slut” and “prostitute” by Rush Limbaugh (another stupid asshole).
Fluke originally made the news by testifying at a House Democrats’ steering committee hearing, where she expressed her support of mandatory health insurance coverage for contraceptives.
Republicans, on the other hand, were arguing that employers should not have to include contraception as part of their health insurance policies.
That’s where you came in, Bill. You (falsely) surmised that Fluke was advocating the government should pay for her birth control so she could have sex. (Full disclosure: HUSTLER believes the government should pay for women’s contraception so they will have sex with us.) You went on to suggest that if the government pays for a woman’s birth control, it should also pay for a man’s football equipment and gym membership…because they both ultimately relate to health.
That’s too ridiculous to comment on. In 2005, you first stated that Dr. George Tiller, who provided legal abortions at a clinic in Kansas, was “guilty of Nazi stuff.” You also referred to him as “Tiller the Baby Killer”—over and over. At the time, we thought you were inciting your loony audience to commit murder. Indeed, the gunman who ultimately assassinated Dr. Tiller in 2009 was exactly the kind of right-wing loon your show appeals to. Like many across the land, we blame you for his death, Bill.
You want to challenge that? Well, here’s another incendiary remark you made regarding the pro-choice doctor: “If the state of Kansas doesn’t stop this man [Tiller], then anybody who prevents that from happening has blood on their hands, as the Governor [Kathleen Sebelius] does right now.”
Remember that quote? Or how about this one? “No question Dr. Tiller has blood on his hands, but now so does Governor Sebelius. She is not fit to serve, nor is any Kansas politician who supports Tiller’s business of destruction. I wouldn’t want to be these people if there is a Judgment Day.”
In our opinion, that sure sounds like inciting violence. But if you think we’re wrong, let us give you an example of how an audience can be indirectly encouraged to take action.
We know you are paranoid about your wife having affairs with other men. In fact, you have been accused of pressuring the Nassau County [New York] Police Department into investigating whether or not she was cheating on you. We are therefore encouraging any of our readers who come across Mrs. O’Reilly to give her a friendly smile. Apparently she could use a relationship outside a marriage that, we assume, she finds unfulfilling.
Get our point, Bill?
Finally, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention your 2004 mix-up with former Fox News associate producer Andrea Mackris, who sued you for sexual harassment. She claimed that your repeated sexual overtures and numerous phone calls to her home created a hostile work environment.
Here is a portion of your remarks, which were allegedly caught on tape: “So anyway, I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind…and then I would take the other hand with the falalfel [sic] thing, and I’d put it in your pussy.”
To top things off, according to Mackris, you even threatened her, warning, “If any woman breathed a word, I’ll make her pay so dearly that she’ll wish she’d never been born. I’ll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she’ll be destroyed.” Since it’s widely believed you settled with Mackris (some say to the tune of $20 million), we have to assume her accusations were true. If so, that makes you a pig as well as an asshole.
Wow! You know what, Bill? Given all of the foregoing, we’re the real assholes for having waited so long to take another shot at you.