When we at HUSTLER think of Willard Mitt Romney—the former governor of Massachusetts and current Republican Presidential aspirant—T.S. Eliot’s poem The Hollow Men comes to mind. How else would you describe someone who has no discernible identity? Oh sure, flip-flopper kinda works, but does it really convey the truly empty and vacuous entity that is Mitt Romney? Of course not.

So just how hollow is Mitt Romney exactly?

That’s not an easy question to answer, given that it’s impossible to know what Mitt really believes in—if indeed he believes in anything at all. In less than ten years, the former CEO of Bain Capital has totally reversed himself on such issues as abortion, same-sex marriage, gun ownership, tax reform, climate change, healthcare and probably a few other issues we’ve forgotten about.

How is such a thing possible? Well, of course, Romney is lying about at least half and maybe even all of the positions he’s taken. It’s possible he doesn’t believe in anything except, perhaps, lying to get what he wants. But even with that, wouldn’t a person feel shame about being such a transparent liar? Or is it possible that the supposedly committed Mormon not only doesn’t believe in anything but also doesn’t feel anything? That would truly make him a hollow man.

Hollow men don’t care about other people. From his early adult years, when Romney served as a bishop in the Mormon church, we have this story reported in the New York Times : Carrel Hilton Sheldon, a married mother of four, was advised by her doctor to terminate her pregnancy because he feared a potentially dangerous blood clot. But Romney, she alleges, insisted—as a representative of his church— that she not go forward with the procedure. According to Mrs. Sheldon, “He was blind to me as a human being.”

That lack of concern for people followed Romney into the job market. As CEO of Bain Capital— a private equity investment firm specializing in leveraged buyouts—he bought companies, sold the assets and shipped the jobs overseas. In many cases, although the acquisition was eventually forced into bankruptcy, Bain Capital still made a huge profit. Romney later said if he had the opportunity to do it over again, he would “be more sensitive” to that issue. Notice he didn’t say he’d do things differently.
We all know about Romney’s “I like being able to fire people” quote. Those who defend the Presidential wannabe for that remark point out he was talking about healthcare companies that weren’t providing “good service.” But we’d like to note that most people would say they “changed companies” or they “like changing companies” when they don’t get good service.

Of course, in Romney’s case, he has had a lot of experience canning employees of the companies he took over at Bain Capital, so the words “I like being able to fire people” would seem to flow naturally from his lips. We wonder how many insurance companies he’s “fired,” if any. Additionally, most people are just stuck with their healthcare provider. Only the superrich like Romney can afford to shop around.

Continuing our analysis of Romney’s attitude toward people, let us not forget that this is the man who said “Corporations are people.” Again we have to ask, can he really believe that?

Because, right on the face of it, that’s nonsense.Yet he said it with no shame.You can see him saying it on YouTube. It’s clear he’s talking down to the people who have just challenged him. He is, in our view, once again a Mormon bishop telling people not what’s real but what to think. Mitt’s talking doctrine instead of facts.

We all know what Republican doctrine is. It’s for ending Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, and it’s stringently against legalized abortion, same-sex marriage, tax increases for the superrich, banking regulation, the closing of corporate loopholes and, most notably, against Obamacare, which is based on Romneycare, the heathcare program implemented in Massachusetts when Mitt was governor. These Republican positions are all anti-people or at least antipeople who are not part of the 1%. And, of course, the 1% includes Romney with his $250-million nest egg.

It is worth noting that Romney’s 2010 tax return reveals he paid 13.9% in taxes. That is significantly lower than what the average working person pays. Additionally, Romney is hiding millions in the Cayman Islands, an offshore tax haven. The only question is, how many millions?

This is a man who, even though he wants to be President of the United States, doesn’t want to contribute to the well-being of his country by paying his fair share in taxes.

In essence, he’s screwing all of us. So for Willard Mitt Romney, we offer this T.S. Eliot-inspired poem:
You are of the hollow men
You are of the stuffed men
Looting together
Headpiece filled with greed. Alas!
Your dried avarices, when
You whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or vulture capitalists crawling over broken glass
To get to do their leveraged buyouts
This is the way your candidacy ends
This is the way your candidacy ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

FARTS IN THE WIND from HUSTLER Magazine

The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality has caused a big stink thanks to accusations that it censored information about global warming in a report about Galveston Bay. This included an article written by the Houston Advanced Research Center’s John B. Anderson, a professor of oceanography at Rice University. Anderson says the state agency deleted all references to climate change and sea-level rise. “I don’t think these are contentious points—that’s the sad part,” he told the New York Times. “This is information that needs to be out there for the general public, for schoolteachers when they teach their kids.” After a Texas lawmaker voiced concerns about watering down the report “without a valid explanation or alternative,” TCEQ spokesman Andy Saenz countered, “Why should we include questionable information we don’t agree with?” He failed to mention that the panel’s members are appointed by Governor Rick Perry, who derides global warming as “an unproven scientific theory.” We agree with Anderson’s assessment: “It’s all politics.”

from HUSTLER Magazine July 2011

• Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas’s sidekick on the U.S. Supreme  Court, recently made headlines for proclaiming in California Lawyer  magazine that the 14th Amendment (citizenship,due process and equal- protection clauses) does not extend to protecting women against sex discrimination.  Apparently he doesn’t consider women to be “people.”  In  fact, Scalia believes women, gays and all emerging minorities should be  left at the mercy of the prevailing political majority when it comes to  ensuring fair treatment.  Back in September 2010 he told an audience at  the University of California Hastings College of Law that “if the current  society wants to outlaw discrimination by sex…you have legislatures.”

• Curveball, an Iraqi informer whose real name is Rafid Ahmed  Alwan al-Janabi, claimed that Saddam Hussein’s regime was developing mobile biological warfare labs, thereby building a case for the  Iraq War.  After more than seven years of hostilities and the deaths of  thousands of U.S. troops and countless Iraqi civilians, al-Janabi recently admitted to the Guardiannewspaper that he was full of shit:“I had the chance to fabricate something to topple the regime.  I and my  sons are proud of that.” And we’re proud to also deride the CIA. In  2004 the U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee reported that the spy  agency “withheld important information about Curveball’s reliability”  from U.S. analysts dealing with the informant’s claim.  For God’s sake,  al-Janabi was a cab driver.

from HUSTLER Magazine July 2011

Justice Thomas,sir! You are a failure,pure and simple. Oh, sure, you’ve achieved high office and riches far beyond those of other men, but money and power are not the true measure of a man.  Honesty,integrity and compassion are.  So on that score,sir, you are a total disgrace.

You are a cheat! A sex addict! A liar and a self-hating Negro. You are those things and more.And,with all due respect, we have to wonder about your IQ.But then, you’ve wondered about that too, haven’t you? Nothing came easy for you.You had to really knuckle down to get the grades you got. You disagree, sir? Let us take a trip down memory lane.  Yes, Justice Thomas, this is your life!

You were born in Pin Point,Georgia,an economic backwater without household plumbing, sewer system or paved roads.Your father abandoned you at age two. Your mother struggled to make ends meet, and you frequently went to bed hungry. But fate interceded at age seven when circumstances forced you to move in with your grandfather.  He was the one who taught you the value of hard work and self-reliance.  You owe him for that.

Although you did surprisingly well in high school and college,when you graduated from Yale Law School, your grades were, well, lackluster. This prompted law firms where you sought employment to reject you as an affirmative action beneficiary who had been pushed through the system. How that must have rankled you—even though it was,in fact,true.

In 1975 you read Race and Economics by Thomas Sowell and The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. These books eventually formed the framework for your legal philosophy and your subsequent contributions to the Reagan Administration while serving in the U.S.Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights and later on the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.  Yes! You were on your way to the top of your profession. You had proven that self- reliance,determination and a willingness to sell out your fellow man could compensate for a less-than- stellar intellect.

Those were heady days allegedly filled with porn, alcohol and womanizing.  At least that’s what your former girlfriend Lillian McEwen stated in a CNN online article.She also said that after you finally gave up drinking, you became mean and abusive,especially toward your son.  You are still mean and abusive,but now it’s toward working-class Americans.

Other women have come forward with allegations similar to McEwen’s, but none stand out as much as Anita Hill, who almost torpedoed your 1991 Supreme Court nomination.  She claimed you were guilty of sexual harassment,a notion McEwen finds credible based on your porn addiction.  It’s ironic that for all your scholarly speeches and judicial decisions,the words you will always be most famous for are,“There’s a pubic hair on my Coke can.”

You ascended to the Supreme Court despite Ms. Hill’s assertions. Finally, after having used affirmative action to climb your way up the ladder of success,you were in a position to pull it up after you. Let’s look at some of your Supreme Court decisions:

In Adarand Constructors v.Peñaand in Gratzv. Bollinger you struck hammer blows against equal protection and affirmative action laws that were designed to level the playing field in education and employment for minorities.You sure showed those Yalies what you thought of the help they gave you.

In Elk Grove Unified School District v. Newdow and Cutter v. Wilkinson you allowed tax-free religious groups to participate politically—in direct conflict with the Establishment Clause of the Constitution.  That’s why we now have churches that pooh-pooh evolution and that think Earth is only 6,000 years old influencing what’s taught in our schools.  Nice going.

In Planned Parenthood v.Casey you indicated your clear desire to overturn Roe v. Wade,which gave women the right to have an abortion.  Isn’t this the kind of case from which a Catholic should recuse himself?

Recusalis a word that’s used a lot when your name comes up, Justice Thomas. For example, shouldn’t you have recused yourself from the Citizens United v. FEC decision? Allowing corporations to spend as much money as they want—in effect to buy politicians—clearly benefited your good friends,Charles and David Koch.  After all, you’ve been a paid speaker at their strategy retreats and,based on recently revealed tax returns, they provided you with four days at the exclusive Rancho Las Palmas resort near Palm Springs, California,during one of their powwows.

Not to mince words, the Koch brothers are evil sons of bitches who deny climate change despite the overwhelming evidence. But then, the two billionaires only care about profits from their planet-destroying oil pipelines. So what’s your excuse? Oh, yeah. The paid getaways… and the fact that your wife, Virginia, is the indirect recipient of Koch brothers money.

That brings us to the really big brouhaha in your life: your failure to disclose on your income tax forms—for the last 20 years—Virginia’s earnings from far-right groups that have benefited from your conservative decisions on the Supreme Court.That,sir,is a crime punishable by up to one year in jail and a $50,000 fine. We understand there are numerous other conflicts of interest that are also being looked into.

People are starting to talk,  Justice Thomas.  They are saying you should be impeached, and that brings us back to our previous “self-hating Negro” assertion.  Your disregard for judicial ethics and public opinion go far beyond mere arrogance.  We see it as a subconscious desire to be punished for your ill deeds.  In that regard,sir,we truly hope you succeed. P.S. Should you ever revert to reading porn—if indeed you ever stopped—we are prepared to offer you a 50% discount on a subscription to HUSTLER.

We know what you’re thinking: Given all the raving lunatics on right-wing radio and TV, why choose a relatively moderate talk show host as Asshole of the Month? The answer is inherent in the question: The fact that Sean Hannity seems moderate only makes him that much more dangerous. After all, everyone knows that Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are assholes. And in truth, Hannity is every bit as loony as they are.

Most recently Hannity renewed his rightwing- crazy credentials by proposing we reinvade Iraq and Kuwait as a way of dealing with rising oil prices. Here’s part of what he said: “Why isn’t Iraq paying us back with oil, and paying every American family and their soldiers that lost loved ones or have injured soldiers—and why didn’t they pay for their own liberation? For the Kuwait oil minister—how short his memory is. You know we have every right to go in there and frankly take all their oil and make them pay for the liberation.”

Tell us that’s not nuts. Haven’t we lost enough blood and treasure to those conflicts already? According to Hannity, Iraqis should be grateful that we invaded their country without cause and killed an estimated 100,000 to 1 million citizens. (Attention, Fox viewers: Iraq had nothing whatsoever to do with 9/11.) As for Kuwait, it did indeed repay us for its liberation: about $18 billion. Facts, as you can see, mean nothing to Hannity.

Here are some more examples of Hannity saying black is white:

•“It doesn’t say anywhere in the Constitution this idea of the separation of church and state.” In fact, the First Amendment states: “Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” And Article V stipulates: “No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust.”•“[After 9/11, Bush and his team] made it clear that determining the causes of America’s security failures and finding and remedying its weak points would be central to their mission.” Actually, Bush opposed the creation of a special commission to probe the causes of the 9/11 attacks for more than a year, finally caving due to liberal pressure.

One of Hannity’s most outrageous claims, it would seem, involves an organization he works closely with: Freedom Alliance. Hannity insists that every penny of the donations raised at the group’s Freedom Concerts is applied to scholarships for wounded soldiers or children of soldiers killed during wartime. The Freedom Concerts’ Web site claims more than $10 million has been raised for scholarships “in the last several years.” But Melanie Sloan of CREW (Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington) says no more than $2.5 million has been donated for such scholarships.

Political commentator Debbie Schlussel (DebbieSchlussel.com) reports that for the year 2008, Freedom Alliance took in almost $9 million in revenues but allocated just over $1 million (12%) in scholarships to wounded soldiers and children of the fallen.

Want to puke over the size of the donations to an individual wounded soldier? Freedom Alliance, which was founded by retired military officer Oliver North in 1990, gave one soldier whose face was blown off and who lost an eye $1,000. Another soldier who lost both legs and his left arm in a roadside bomb incident got a massive $200. Such generosity!

Both Hannity and North (Freedom Alliance’s “honorary chairman”) have been accused of siphoning off money from the “charitable organization.” Schlussel says a Fox insider told her that when Hannity attends a concert, he demands and gets a Gulfstream 5 private jet, a fleet of Cadillac and Lincoln SUVs, as well as several suites of rooms for himself and his family at expensive hotels—all valued at approximately $200,000 per appearance. It’s said that even Ollie North is offended by Hannity’s outof- control greed.“This is the kind of deceptive marketing that the FTC [Federal Trade Commission] looks very dimly at,” Sloan is quoted as saying, according to Politico.com.

One thing is certain: Hannity has hit the big time since being plucked from an obscure radio station in Atlanta by Fox honcho Roger Ailes. The Fox show Hannity was destined to helm, you may remember, was called Hannity & Colmes. Alan Colmes, supposedly there to represent the Left, was a noodge whose true purpose was to be Hannity’s floor mat. That charade continued until 2008, when Colmes departed after 12 years, and Hannity came into his own.

Reported to be raking in more than $20 million a year, Hannity is the go-to guy for wing nuts seeking credibility and softball questions. Nutcakes Sharron Angle and Sarah Palin have made repeated appearances on his TV program. Meanwhile on radio, The Sean Hannity Show is syndicated to over 500 stations nationwide.

All of that power makes this Asshole one of the key players in the right wing’s plan to carve out a segment of America’s population and feed it propaganda instead of facts. Rather than debate the left wing—something they usually lose at— right wingers have decided to create their own separate reality with its own “facts.” In effect, they have balkanized the American people.

John Podesta, President Bill Clinton’s former chief of staff, seems to agree. Addressing a Take Back America conference, he said,“I think when you get so distant from the facts as guys like Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do, yeah, I think that tends to…corrupt the dialogue.” That was back in 2004. God knows Hannity has only gotten more partisan and more dismissive of reality since then.

If you think about it, this corruption of the political dialogue is the real evil of Sean Hannity; it’s even more offensive and ugly than his apparent stealing from the troops and their families as described above. After all, Hannity’s distortion of the truth is really an attack against exactly what makes America great. Fuck Sean Hannity!

 

from HUSTLER Magazine May 2011

Say it ain’t so, Joe! Tell us you’re not the putrid scumsucker we think you are. Or just fess up and admit we’ve got you dead to rights.

Where do we start? How about the notion that you cost Al Gore the Presidential election in 2000? You remember that political contest, don’t you, Joe? You had the Vice President slot on the Democratic ticket. But during your debate with Dick Cheney, the Republican VP nominee, he cleaned your clock.

And what about your pathetic attempt to run for President in 2004? You withdrew from the race without winning a single primary. Even Al Gore refused to support you, and that lack of public support wasn’t just because of your hawkish stance on Iraq. A lot of it had to do with your sounding like a nebbish when you speak. You know that, don’t you? You’re kinda creepy, Joe. Then in 2006 there was your failure to be renominated as the Democratic Party’s candidate for the U.S. Senate, where you’d represented Connecticut since 1989. You were forced to run as an independent. Sure, you retained your Senate seat for another six years, but it was just barely and only because it was a threeway race.

Although you were no longer a Democrat, the Democratic Party decided to let you retain your chairmanship of the powerful Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs. You repaid them by campaigning for Senator John McCain (RArizona) instead of Barack Obama during their 2008 Presidential runs.

Let’s consider that for a minute: Throughout most of the campaign, McCain seemed, well, confused and befuddled. Some thought he was suffering from senility. And there you were, Joe, whispering corrections in his ear. How do you think that made you look? Only a moron would support a senile candidate for the highest office in the land.

McCain lost, and still the Democrats refused to strip you of your chairmanship. We guess you could say that makes them assholes too, especially after you threatened to filibuster Obama’s healthcare package if it contained the highly popular public option. (Indeed, you failed to support the healthcare bill even after the public option was removed.) Coming from the state of Connecticut, where so many health insurance companies are headquartered (and bankroll your campaigns), your decision was a safe one even though you had previously supported similar healthcare reform. But that was back when it didn’t have a chance of passing. It’s easy to be for the right thing when you don’t actually have to put your ass on the line. (By the way, 60% of your constituents were for the public option, and—unlike the claim you made at the time—it would not have raised premiums and added to the country’s debt.)

Then there’s the rest of your dismal voting record: You voted against a bill that would have encouraged companies to bring their jobs back to the U.S.; against eliminating the tax loopholes of big oil and gas companies; against every effort to reduce U.S. troop presence overseas; against “too big to fail” legislation designed to impose limits on the size of financial companies; and you voted for a bill (McCain’s) that struck the “Buy American” provision from Obama’s stimulus package. There’s more, but we’ve made our point. You don’t give a rat’s ass about the American people. Look, Joe, we could go on, but let’s just cut to the chase: You are either an idiot or a douchebag. If it’s the latter, that means you’re willing to do and say anything just to advance your own interests regardless of the consequences for others. (FYI: That’s how most people see you, explaining why your approval rating hovers at 33%.)

This brings us to the real point of naming you Asshole of the Month: the 2012 election cycle. You had a decision to make, sir! Should you retire or should you run for the Senate as a Republican? Your ability to run as an independent under the Connecticut for Lieberman Party banner has been usurped by your detractors who took over that vehicle after the 2006 election.

Given your approval rating in Connecticut, Joe, you certainly weren’t going to secure the Democratic nomination. So that just left the Republican Party, and even with them your approval rating was only at 48%. So thank you for finally looking reality in the face. You’ve decided to give the rest of us a fucking break by not running for the Senate in 2012. Yes, you’ve done enough damage. It’s time for you and Hadassah to go off into the sunset together. Goodbye and good riddance.

(Editor’s Note: This is not the first time we have made Joe Lieberman our Asshole of the Month. He garnered that honor in the February ’09 and April ’10 issues as well. However, it’s worth mentioning that nothing here repeats all the other reasons he’s been considered worthy of that award. We’ve just added to his long list of “achievements” as a major league Asshole. Thanks to her decades of lobbying for pharmaceutical and healthcare firms, Joe’s wife— Hadassah Lieberman—was an April ’10 Fart in the Wind.)

from HUSTLER Magazine January 2011

He poses as a journalist and a publisher. In reality, Andrew (not so) Breitbart is a rightwing propagandist intent on bringing down the Obama Administration while advancing Republican objectives. Possessing a black belt in lying, this refugee from Hell’s Internet will stoop to any trick or act of duplicity. That includes, most certainly, race-baiting.

Breitbart, a keynote speaker at the first National Tea Party Convention and a selfconfessed bitch of conservative blogger Matt Drudge, first came to our attention as a result of the ACORN scandal.You remember ACORN, right?

That grassroots organization helped the poor and disenfranchised with healthcare, affordable housing, voter registration and other social concerns. Back in 2009 James O’Keefe posing as a pimp (sort of) visited eight ACORN offices with an undercover camera and an accomplice named Hannah Giles, who played the role of a hooker (sort of). O’Keefe’s footage wound up on Fox News Channel, which presented it as proof that ACORN staffers were willing to help individuals set up a prostitution ring. Due to the controversy, ACORN lost funding and eventually closed all of its offices.

One problem with the above: It was all precipitated by lies, largely the result of trick editing. (ACORN has since been exonerated by the U.S. Government Accountability Office and the attorneys general of California and Kings County, New York.) Guess who put O’Keefe up to stinging ACORN? Andrew Breitbart. Because of him, a noble institution went down the tubes.

Shirley Sherrod was the target of a similar sham. Once again, Breitbart in an alleged collaboration with Fox News released a highly doctored tape. This one seemingly revealed a federal employee using her position to discriminate against whites. As with ACORN, that charge has since been proven completely false.

So you must ask yourself: What kind of person is so lacking in morals and ethics that he would ruin a person’s life with lies and distortions?

Breitfart, as some refer to him, got his start as a suck-up to Matt Drudge, who also treats the truth as if it were Silly Putty something to be molded any which way you choose. What Breitbart did for Drudge isn’t entirely clear because the former protegé refuses to talk about it. We’re guessing it had to do with Drudge’s laundry and housekeeping. (We wouldn’t want to talk about that either.)

Breitbart worked with Drudge for the better part of ten years. Then, with his brain sufficiently addled by Drudge’s upside-down, reversed-mirror politics, he parted ways with his mentor. Afraid to go solo, Breitbart coproduced a documentary about the suicide of Clinton Administration appointee Vince Foster.The account was so inept, the History Channel never ran it. Then he coauthored Hollywood, Interrupted , a book you can buy on Amazon for $1.99.

Finally, after an apparent failed interlude with Arianna Huffington, Breitbart found the courage to go it alone. He launched Breitbart.com, then the Web sites Big Hollywood, Big Government and Big Journalism—all, in Breitbart’s own words, aimed at bringing down the “institutional left.” Meanwhile, Breitbart.com comes across as an attention deficit disorder schematic. (The Web mogul has reportedly been diagnosed with ADD.) Since the site is successful, it’s fair to say Breitbart has, in effect, crawled up his own ass and built a cathedral.

Breitbart thinks he’s intelligent because he has a talent for hurting people with falsehoods and half-truths. Too bad there’s no test that considers lying to be a valid measure of intelligence. If there were, we admit, Breitbart would be an off-the-charts genius. Since there isn’t, we see only a sick and confused ego rampaging through the media and blogosphere like a bull (with mad cow disease) in a china shop. Discredited by the public at large, Breitbart faces at least one lawsuit for libel (from Shirley Sherrod), with more to follow we suspect. (Those ACORN people are plenty mad.)

Message to Andrew Breitbart: Remember all those teachers and classmates who told you what a pathetic loser you were back in school? The ones you have spent your whole life trying to prove wrong? They were right! You are a loser, Andrew. Mrs. Sherrod should have little difficulty in proving malice for what you did.And that could cost you a fortune.That very fragile house of cards you’ve built may come tumbling down on you and your family.

Like your right-wing minions, you seem to believe the truth is malleable. You cannot say black is white, or up is down, or sweet is sour. Well, you can say it, but you’d be wrong. And when you slander people, there are legal consequences.

You’ve dug a deep shithole for yourself, Andy boy, and now you’ll have to try climbing out of it. Too bad your Republican friends have pulled up the ladder and turned their backs on you. They see the writing on the wall, and by now so should you.

Finally, Mr. Breitbart, here’s a lesson on libel law: You, sir, are an Asshole.We can say that without fear of contradiction or legal

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from HUSTLER Magazine December 2010

The former Chairman and CEO of Hewlett- Packard should be the poster child for the term failing upward. Carly Fiorina did such a horrible job at HP that the company was willing to pay out her $42-million golden parachute rather than keep her around.

The online business magazine Condé Nast Portfolio listed Fiorina as one of “The 20 Worst American CEOs of All Time.” The Wall Street Journal said “[HP’s board members] lost faith in Carly…it is difficult to find anyone involved with HP today—board member, shareholder, employee, customer, analysts—who isn’t happy that Ms. Fiorina is gone.”

The Associated Press quoted Jeffrey Sonnenfeld of Yale University School of Management, who described Fiorina’s tenure as “a reign of terror and poor performance.” The Los Angeles Times added, “She axed tens of thousands of jobs, killed HP’s beloved profit-sharing plan, and in the eyes of her many passionate critics, exorcised the benevolent ghosts of company founders Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard.” With “flowery” assessments like that, it shouldn’t be a big surprise that Fiorina has been largely unemployable since leaving HP—unless you count her consultancy for John McCain during his 2008 Presidential bid.

Unable to get a decent job in the business community, Carly is now exploring the world of politics. Using the same intellectual acuity she displayed at HP, Fiorina thinks she has a shot at unseating Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California). One of the best lawmakers on Capitol Hill, Boxer is always fighting for the little guy. Fiorina, on the other hand, fights for Big Business at the expense of the little guy. Want proof? “In the course of my time there [at HP], we laid off over 30,000 people,” this Prada-wearing, fish-faced Asshole told InformationWeek magazine.

“I know why they [jobs] leave [our country],” Fiorina continued. So do we: People like her send them to China, where labor costs are 60 cents an hour. Thanks for helping kill our manufacturing base, Carly.

We are aware that screwing workers is not why she got fired from HP. (The company was just fine with that.) It was because of her HP-Compaq merger, which is credited with devaluing HP stock by over 50%. The day after she was dismissed, that same stock rose a dramatic 6.9%. This would be humiliating to anyone other than Fiorina, who is obviously shameless.

Like a fly chasing a pig, Fiorina’s incompetence has followed her into the political arena. After appearing at window-maker Anlin Industries in Clovis, California, she released this statement: “It’s clear that the $862 billion [stimulus] plan has stimulated nothing but growth in the size and scope of government.” However, Anlin’s Web site states the manufacturer was, in fact, helped by the stimulus plan, which allowed homeowners to recover up to 30% of the cost for window replacements.

Okay, you ask: If Fiorina is so bad, where is she getting the money to finance her campaign? Someone must believe in her. Well, remember that $42 million Hewlett-Packard forked over? That wasn’t all the ex-CEO walked off with. Despite costing stockholders a bundle, she earned a total of almost $100 million during her stint with the company. Now she’s using that money to produce and buy TV advertising. So it’s Carly Fiorina who believes in Carly Fiorina.

We, on the other hand, find it easier to believe in the tooth fairy. For example, why vote for a politician who has, herself, rarely been politically active (prior to now)? Fiorina has voted in only a third of all elections since 2000 and has no voting record prior to moving to California in 1999. Beyond that, she is anti-choice, believes marriage should solely involve a man and a woman, opposes the legalization of marijuana, supports the death penalty, wants to cut taxes for the rich and the giant corporations and is against extending unemployment benefits.

Fiorina’s reason for slashing unemployment benefits is tied to her belief that government should reduce spending. That sounds good until you realize it involves cutting funds that would otherwise go to states for schools, hospitals, roads and social programs that poor people depend on. Like we said, Fiorina is against the little guy and for the super- rich, which means she’s for people like herself.

But here’s the absolute worst of Fiorina’s political positions: She is against more rigorous government regulation of Wall Street—despite the fact that it was the deregulation of the financial industry that caused America’s current economic meltdown. If, by some strange perverted act of Satan, she should win Boxer’s U.S. Senate seat, her position on that single issue could help usher in another economic calamity.

How ironic that a person who can’t get work in the business sector—given her piss-poor record— now wants to be supported by American taxpayers even as she puts the screws to us. Fuck you, Carly!

from HUSTLER Magazine September 2010

That can we say about a guy who fries squirrels in a popcorn popper? Well, as it turns out, we can say plenty more about the Republican, whose tenure as governor of Arkansas still causes a stink.

Aside from his squirrel-popping revelation, the Fox TV talk-show host admits that he likes to shoot animals. Okay, a lot of people like to hunt. But check out what he told one NRA group: “I’m pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in Heaven, and I can’t wait!”

How odd. To Huckabee, Heaven is a place where you kill things. Not what most people think of when contemplating the Pearly Gates. And he was a Baptist preacher?!

But Mike isn’t the only one in the Huckabee family who likes to kill critters. While he was governor of the Razorback State, his son David was accused of torturing and hanging a stray dog. Daddy defended the boy, who was 17 at the time, by saying, “There was a dog that apparently had mange and was absolutely, I guess, emaciated.”Well, okay then, who wouldn’t hang an emaciated dog by the neck, slit its throat and then stone it for good measure? We’ll bet that David believes Heaven is filled with dead puppies.

Although Mike Huckabee denies any wrongdoing in regard to the foregoing, John Bailey claims the governor fired him as head of the Arkansas State Police for refusing to cover up David’s crime. I.C. Smith, the former FBI chief in Little Rock, confirmed that Huckabee interfered in the investigation.

Also while serving as governor, Huckabee was accused of dipping into public funds. Investigated 16 times and cited five times by the Arkansas Ethics Commission, Huckabee is said to have pocketed $112,000 under questionable circumstances in 1999. He also claimed $70,000 worth of furniture at the governor’s mansion upon leaving office in 2007. Moreover, he is said to have spent state funds on boat fuel, clothing alterations, dry cleaning, pantyhose, a doghouse and other non-jobrelated items. And let’s not forget the personal use of State Police aircraft as transportation for Huckabee and his family.

Regarding the furniture at the governor’s mansion, Huckabee agreed to leave it behind due to public outrage. But guess what? By the time he and his family moved out, the furniture had magically disappeared!

You think that’s bad? How about this? In Arkansas it’s illegal for a departing governor to accept more than $100 in gifts from appreciative citizens (or political benefactors). So what did Mike do? He and his wife, Janet, skirted the law by setting up bridal registries at several retail outlets for $7,000 in housewares and $1,000 in gift cards. In case you’re confused, the answer is yes, the couple had already been married more than 30 years.

Huckabee, it should be noted, was good at lining his own pockets even before he became governor of Arkansas. As lieutenant governor he made $61,000 delivering speeches to a nonprofit organization called Action America.

Now get this: Huckabee founded Action America! And it’s not at all clear that it has ever donated a penny to anyone else. However, none of the preceding qualifies him as an Asshole. He’s garnered that award thanks to his extreme and farfetched opinions. Among those, nothing tops his denial of evolution and belief that Adam and Eve were real people.

What we know about the rest of Huckabee’s religious views is limited. Apparently, just like the information stored on the hard drives that were destroyed at his behest when he left the governor’s office, Huckabee’s old sermons are nowhere to be found. But according to Mother Jones magazine, here’s what Huckabee said during a failed run for the U.S. Senate in 1992: “Homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk.”

He went on to say that AIDS victims should be isolated and that he’s against spending government money in search of a cure. His asinine proposal? “An alternative would be to request that multimillionaire celebrities, such as Elizabeth Taylor, Madonna and others who are pushing for more AIDS funding, be encouraged to give…increased amounts for AIDS research.” In other words, let the fags die.

However, in terms of pure ugliness, nothing compares to Huckabee’s just plain stupid, insensitive and unforgivable decision, while governor, to secure the parole of serial rapist and self-confessed murderer Wayne DuMond. DuMond, whom Huckabee claimed had gotten a “raw deal…and hadn’t been treated fairly,” was a real piece of work. One victim testified that DuMond held a butcher knife to her throat while he raped her and that he threatened to come back and rape and kill the woman’s three-year-old daughter, who’d been asleep in bed beside her during the assault, if she told anyone.

DuMond’s crimes also included helping beat a man to death with a claw hammer, but Governor Huckabee released him anyway because the prisoner claimed to have been “born again.” And maybe because one of the rape victims, a 17-year-old, was a distant cousin of Bill Clinton, who, as Arkansas governor, had previously denied DuMond’s release. In fact, Huckabee pardoned or reduced the sentences of 1,033 prisoners, including 12 murderers—twice as many as his three predecessors combined! He seemed especially inclined to free cons who claimed to be bornagain Christians, played in a prison band or worked in the governor’s mansion.

Perhaps most of those who’d been released went legit, but DuMond went on to rape and kill two more women. And before being gunned down himself, Maurice Clemmons—whose sentence had also been commuted by the religious zealot—was the only suspect in the 2009 slayings of four police officers in Washington State. All those murders stain Huckabee’s hands.

Finally, it would be wrong not to mention that the former fatty, who penned the book Quit Digging Your Grave With a Knife and Fork, is once again gaining weight—a lot of weight! (But not as much as his son, David.) If Mike Huckabee doesn’t get it under control soon, we won’t have to worry about him being a Presidential nominee in 2012. , Asshole!

A Subset of Asshole of The Months
From HUSTLER Magazine August 2010

REPRESENTATIVE BART STUPAK (D-Michigan) attempted to torpedo the healthcare-reform bill, lying that it provided federal funding for abortions. When this pathetic move backfired, the Blue Dog Democrat accused fellow Dems of being anti-baby only to later cast a yes vote for the healthcare bill! Antiabortionist Stupak was then treated to the ultimate insult (in his mind) when Texas Republican Randy Neugebauer yelled “baby killer” at him.

Ain’t hypocrisy a bitch? Stupak is a member of Washington, D.C., religious frat house the Fellowship (a/k/a the Family), where his rent was subsidized by the Christians who run the secretive foundation. Stupak has outright lied that he doesn’t have anything to do with the Family, even though it has been well established that he had resided in its C Street mansion for years.