Will dragging the name of U.S. Attorney for Massachusetts Carmen Ortiz through the shit bring back Internet martyr Aaron Swartz? No, but it’ll serve more justice than the poor guy ever got at the hands of this sadistic inquisitor. Ortiz is a bitter reminder that sometimes the good guys lose and the war must go on.

Carmen “Killer” Ortiz hit the national radar early this year when Swartz—an Internet activist and technological whiz kid who, at the age of 26, had already pioneered cutting-edge social-networking systems—hanged himself after landing in Ortiz’s clutches.

What did he do that merited a soul-crushing federal indictment? Expose national security secrets? Hack into the nuclear codes? No, he downloaded content from JSTOR, a database of scholarly articles openly accessible to universities all over the country. And what did he plan to do with it? Plagiarize it? Sell it for illegal profit? No, he was going to distribute it free of charge, believing that everyone should have free access to educational content.

JSTOR must have pressed for Swartz to be sent up the river, right? Wrong. JSTOR got all its content back and refused to press charges! If anything called for the proverbial slap on the wrist, this was it.

But Ortiz, always on the lookout to score cheap political brownie points, knew low-hanging fruit when she saw it. She sent her ass-sucking henchman, Assistant U.S. Attorney Stephen Heymann—a G-man with a notorious hard-on for hackers—after Swartz. Heymann’s prosecution had already driven another young hacker, Jonathan James, to suicide after naming him in an identity theft and hacking case.

Ortiz’s office slapped Swartz with four felony counts that could have put him behind bars for 35 years and financially crippled him with $1 million in fines. But she was just getting warmed up. Even though Ortiz knew that Swartz suffered from severe depression, her office upped the felony count to 13. That meant a possible 50 years. Basically, a life sentence for the victimless, nonviolent crime of downloading some fucking college papers!

That’s what’s called prosecutorial abuse. Read that carefully, Ortiz. Our lawyers already have. So if you want to come after us, fuck you!

Now let’s consider this carefully for a moment. A brilliant, ambitious young mind with all the potential of a fledgling Bill Gates, working at the forefront of a field in which our country desperately needs to excel to remain a world leader in innovation, is snuffed out by an aging, dogmatic and vindictive dinosaur who has never so much as innovated a new way to wipe her ass.

“Objection!” Ortiz would no doubt screech at this point. Like most overzealous benchwarmers, she drapes her absolutist, all-or-nothing interpretation of the law in bloated sanctimony. When justified objections started flying as she carefully wove Swartz’s judicial noose, she bellowed, “Stealing is stealing whether you use a computer command or a crowbar.” That’s the same kind of shit medieval magistrates spewed before torturing people to death for stealing a loaf of bread. These days we have something called judicial discretion that is supposed to keep the legal process from turning into an inhuman nightmare.

Flaunting the basic precept that a defendant is innocent until proven guilty, Ortiz’s office has a history of shifting the burden of proof onto its targets. Under Ortiz’s watch, DEA agents allegedly combed through crime reports to find juicy real estate that could be seized under a statute that allows for forced forfeiture of assets with suspected links to crime. In one case, the Feds grabbed a shabby little Massachusetts motel because of some minor drug offenses even though the owners were never accused of wrongdoing. Here too, Ortiz’s goons went after easy pickins: small fries that couldn’t mount a costly defense. The magistrate judge reviewing the case ended up laughing it out of court. As Swartz’s loved ones can attest, most of Ortiz’s victims haven’t been that lucky.

Eager to add an anti-terrorist stripe to her robes, Ortiz once hunted down a pharmacist who posted stupid pro-al-Qaeda YouTube videos for “conspiring to kill Americans overseas.” No actual link to any planned attack was ever proven, and the defendant claimed he was being persecuted for not being an FBI informant. But Ortiz knew that few people would give a shit if the guy rotted in jail, so that’s where he landed. Meanwhile, she got to strut around like the baddest bitch in Boston.

If there’s one good thing to come out of the Aaron Swartz tragedy, it’s that Carmen Ortiz’s path to a coveted seat on the U.S. Supreme Court is now so strewn with bodies, it’s a longshot she’ll ever get there. No President is going to relish the crapfest of an Ortiz confirmation that would be sure to get shitcanned anyway.

As it is, Ortiz will be lucky if she keeps her current gig. Aaron Swartz was a hero to many fighting for Internet freedom. Even in death, he has some high-powered allies who are now turning their sights on Ortiz. As for the Obama Administration that originally applauded her as Massachusetts’s first Latina U.S. Attorney, she’ll be lucky if anyone takes her calls.

Here’s a nasty footnote to the Swartz chapter: Ortiz’s husband, Tom Dolan, saw fit to lash out at the grieving parents by tweeting that they purposefully ignored his wife’s rejected plea offer. What’s wrong, Tom? Home life a little tense these days married to America’s hated Lady Injustice?

The best way to remember Aaron Swartz is, of course, to go online and read all about him. Once you do, you’ll understand why his death is such a big loss. Check out his story at his own activist site DemandProgress.org. It’s free for all to read.

This month’s addition to the asinine shitpile has such a twisted idea of patriotism, he’d sue the government if it tried to regulate fireworks that backfired on kids. As president of the notorious Landmark Legal Foundation, Mark R. Levin has positioned himself as the new ideologue behind the conservative push for a new hard-right, antiliberal, antiunion, antiregulation America that rimjobs the rich and fucks over the rest of us.

Levin is the quintessential scumbag lawyer. His foundation has tried to use the courts to shut off funding for vital agencies like the Environmental Protection Agency and the National Education Association, claiming they’re political organs in disguise. In 2007 Landmark nominated an actual corrupt organ, Rush Limbaugh, for a Nobel Peace Prize. No shit.

As a talk-radio pit bull and phony political theorist himself, Levin has carefully cultivated the fine art of name-calling like a connoisseur of fertilizer, mixing shitheel meanness and academic euphemism to make his turd blossoms bloom. His rantings range from lazy sub-Rickles insult humor like calling Hillary Clinton “her thighness” and redubbing NOW the “National Organization of Ugly Women” to beard-stroking characterizations of “the Modern Liberal” as a “statist.”

What the fuck is a statist? Well, reading Levin, it would seem to be anyone who doesn’t hate the federal government as much as he does. Levin’s into the all-or-nothing mindset, so thinking the federal state might be good for something—like helping those who need it or stopping corporations from wrecking the planet we live on—is the same as worshiping it like a drooling, dead-eyed cult member. That’s why he picked a word that sounds like Satanist. Ain’t he clever?

It’s about as surprising as crap in a toilet that Levin gets his sphincter sucked by Fox News whenever he farts. Need someone to peddle the myth that Obama’s tax proposals will hurt everybody and that people earning over $250,000 a year aren’t rich? Call Levin. Need a nonscientist science-hater to talk about how global warming is good because it will stop a new Ice Age? Call Levin.

He once infamously spun a report in Nature magazine to claim it said “greenhouse gases (like carbon dioxide) could actually be the key to averting the chill,” so we should “just leave it alone.” Levin left out a key piece of info: The report’s authors warned explicitly against warping their words. The “findings do not mean we should stop fighting warming,” they emphasized.

The episode was a stark illustration of Levin’s favored method: Start with a rickety agenda, then cherry-pick things out of context from people smarter than you to shore it up, leaving out anything that doesn’t fit. It’s lazy and dishonest, but perfectly in character for this particular donkey’s ass.

Levin pulls the same shit in his books, honing it in Liberty & Tyranny and bloating it to farcical extremes in his follow-up, Ameritopia. Why do we care? Because these books are instant bestsellers and treated like Bibles by the hard right. The Levin gospel is worming its way into our nation’s spongiest brains like some sort of mad cow disease.

Behind all of his regurgitations of great thinkers like Plato and Locke, Levin’s just another antigovernment stooge crapping out the fantasy that the federal government is a big oppressor. Idiots who live on blind anger eat this shit up because it gives them a big target to be mad at. Life sucks because of the government. My wife won’t blow me because of the government. But you don’t hear a lot of people bitching about the government when their Social Security check arrives or when Medicare keeps them from croaking. In Levin’s view, those programs are stages in the “unmaking of America” drafted by evil “masterminds” like Presidents Roosevelt and Johnson.

Levin counters the need for government by claiming that Americans are noble people who angelically blend self-serving individualism with compassion. Leave them alone and they’ll do the right thing. Who’s being utopian now? How many of Levin’s ideal Americans sit in Wall Street’s greed-driven boardrooms or in the offices of health insurers deciding on who should get care and who should be left twisting in the dirt? Levin’s true assholery lies in making valid points about the dangers of utopian thinking that would apply to any political party or system, then gluing them ineptly to his own antiliberal platitudes. We all want our government to act like the perfect neighbor: Leave us the fuck alone until we need its help. That’s true no matter who the President is. But Levin knows that nonpartisan analysis is headed for the pulp bin the day after it comes out. Spewing angry, lopsided dogma devoid of all nuance? That shit pays all day long.

There are, of course, people who pray for utopia every day. They just have another name for it: heaven. So why isn’t Ameritopia about the Religious Right’s dream of turning this country into an antifreedom theocracy? Because that isn’t Levin’s agenda. He writes sentences like “only an army of drones is capable of building a rainbow to paradise.” No, he’s not talking about Billy Graham’s mindless hordes or even crazed Justin Bieber fans. He’s talking about people who fight for social causes!

According to Levin, “the Modern Liberal believes in the supremacy of the state, thereby rejecting the principles of the Declaration [of Independence] and the order of the civil society.” We’ve met plenty of liberals, including ourselves. Not one of them would salute “the supremacy of the state.”

That is, unless it decides to defund Mark R. Levin by suing his lying balls off. Then we’re statists for life!

In America’s race for stupidest state, the results are in. Alabama is home to enough troglodytes to actually reelect Roy Moore as the state’s chief justice. This shit for brains with hair plugs was ousted by Alabama’s own Court of the Judiciary back in 2003 for blowing tons of taxpayer dollars on a hunk of rock with the Ten Commandments carved on it—plopping it in the judicial building, then refusing a court order to get it the hell out of there.

In other words, Alabama, you just turned the clock back over 3,000 years. While you’re at it, be consistent and give up electricity, dentistry, running water and incest laws. Wait, incest is okay in the Heart of Dixie. We forgot. That must be how we got Judge Moore in the first place.

Let’s look at the ol’ decalogue through his dark lens:

I. Thou shalt have no law above Roy Moore’s.

Like the old motherfucker in the sky who insists puny humans kiss his ass and not even look at another god (typical jealous bitch), Moore thinks the courts are there to do the paperwork after he decides what’s right. Moore argues that it’s not his law but God’s—meaning his God.

Moore recently said that secular government “that is denying God” would eventually lead to Islamic law in the United States. Yes, Sharia law would suck balls, which is why it would be unconstitutional—just like Christian theocracy. Non-religious government doesn’t deny God; it keeps crazy shit like talking snakes and rock-carving fingers of fire out of the lawmaking process. “It would bother me if a judge told me how I had to believe,” Moore once said. So you know how we feel, Judge.

II. Thou shalt not make any graven image, unless it’s of Roy Moore carving the Big Ten.

The jurist’s vaulting hubris—from enshrining the Golden Calf known as “Roy’s Rock” to naming himself the voice of divine law—is an obvious violation of the humility taught by scripture. Moore even enlisted his wife Kayla to spam Alabamians with emails proclaiming him the “national spokesperson for Christian conservatism.” How’s that for humble?

III. Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain, unless it makes a bitchin’ book title.

Calling his autobiography So Help Me God, Moore argues that the Founding Fathers habitually swore oaths to God and intended the Constitution to specify allegiance to a Christian deity. Actually, bona fide historians have documented that the only Founders who took Moore’s position back then were those against ratifying the Constitution.

IV. Remember to beg God for stuff every Sunday because it sure as shit works for Roy Moore.

It may seem like a miracle that Moore is back in office after being a public shitbird for decades, but God’s got nothing to do with it. If there’s one entity Moore should be on his knees thanking, it’s his mortal foe, the American Civil Liberties Union. Before it sued him the first time for hanging the Ten Commandments behind his bench and leading pre-session prayers, he was a nobody. Two lawsuits later he was “Ten Commandments Judge” Moore. Without that ACLU godsend, he’d be just another senile coot in a robe.

V. Honor thy father and thy mother because they brainwashed you first.

Moore relates that he grew up with a father who “shared with me the truth about God’s love.” It’s a good bet the pious codger didn’t spare the rod either. A bag of venom like Roy takes some nurturing. When Moore commanded an MP unit during the Vietnam War, his troops hated the hardass so much, he had to sleep on sandbags so he wouldn’t get fragged in his sleep by a grenade of justice rolling under his cot.

VI. Thou shalt not kill anybody but the ones God doesn’t like according to a hodgepodge of politically motivated writing thousands of years old.

Alabama has been offing death-row inmates for 200 years, but now a theocrat will be wielding “the power of the sword.” Once indicating that gays could be subject to “execution,” Moore has shown no propensity for mercy when it comes to those who defy his Old Testament will. Let’s fence in Alabama and see how long it takes to turn into a real-life Walking Dead.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery—or any other kind of adult fun.

God forbid your sex life isn’t as geriatric and trapped in a moribund marriage as Moore’s. If the judge ain’t having a good time, thou shalt not either. As for gay sex, Moore proclaimed it “an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it.” Don’t that sound like someone who tried it and forgot the lube? “Until we reject those evils,” he moaned, “we shall suffer accordingly.” In other words, bad shit happens because some guys have an innate hankering for dick and some ladies don’t. That’s some intelligent design, that is.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, which is why there are so many other words for it.

Like earmarking taxpayer funds and church contributions for the biblical boondoggle that boosted his profile but didn’t help a soul.

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless it’s for political gain.

During his attorney years, Moore was dogged by investigations for accusing his enemies of “suspect conduct.” His claims were tossed out. He also lied about Coral Ridge Ministries, saying “I have no connection” after it poured moolah into his Ten Commandments fight. Most of the campaign cash that put this low-rent Moses back into office came from Michael Peroutka, a lawyer tied to League of the South, a gaggle of white supremacists who do their damnedest to keep the slackjaw redneck stereotype alive. Moore’s response? “I have no idea what they stood for.” Peroutka, by the way, also likes to appear on a white-power radio show called The Political Cesspool. God is one ironic motherfucker.

X. Thou shalt not covet crap that ain’t yours, like happiness and freedom.

Just because you’re miserable, Judge, no need to make everyone else the same way. As Alabamians voted in their Chief Troglodyte, the New York Times reported that even Republicans were “despondent” about how Roy Moore’s victory would affect the state’s image. Amen to that. Not even Lynyrd Skynyrd could bring Alabama back from this one.

We weren’t sure Fox News’ late-night laxative had what it takes to be worthy of the world’s most feared award. But once we scratched his smarmy surface, we found enough shit to fill ten assholes.

Greg Gutfeld got our attention with his potshots at HUSTLER’s publisher. “Larry Flynt is incapable of hypocrisy because he lacks standards to betray,” Gutfeld wrote in his unreadable Bible of Unspeakable Truths. “[He’s] a man without values who delighted in exposing hypocrisy, but who also admitted to having sex with a chicken. Talk about lack of standards: That chicken’s a skank.”

Gutfeld may be a wiseass stuck at frat-boy stage who’s made a career out of painfully labored jokes, but he’s also a man of mystery. Not a good or cool mystery like who is Batman. More like a what-the-hell-is-that-at-the-bottom-of-the-cesspool mystery.

For starters, what does Greg Gutfeld really believe? This political whore says he abandoned the left because they couldn’t take a joke and can’t be loyal to the right because they hate stuff he likes. Now he’s a mouthpiece-for-hire libertarian. Basically, he’s a guy who spends his life in a losing struggle with irrelevance. He went from driving limp-dick mags like Stuff and Maxim into the ground to hosting a roundtable of fellow failed comedians for middle-of-the-night drunks who pass out on the couch.

As Gutfeld proclaims in his latest mind-number, The Joy of Hate, his new rule is: “Be a jerk.” That’s right. The conservative cause has swirled so far down the drain, the new dictum is “Fuck it, just be a jerk.” How refreshing.  

By his own account, he’s the douche in high school and college who scoffed at anyone trying to make anything better. “The longer I live, the more I’m convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool,” he writes. Guess who the “cool kids” are now. Look out, the “Liberals” are ready to rumble!

The Joy of Hate is a litany of reasons why Gutfeld and his idols (Palin, Limbaugh, Reagan’s corpse) feel picked on. Lefties beat them with the “truncheon of tolerance,” he whines. These imaginary armies of “phony outrage” he dubs the “tolerati.” Guess what, they suffer from a “false sense of victimhood.” Sound familiar? Epic fail Mitt Romney peddled the same “people who believe they are victims” line to historically nonphony effect.

Cursed with his particular political sluttiness, Gutfeld resorts to pretzel logic, like: “Being conservative is a rebellion against predictable rebellion. It’s more daring to be traditional than to subvert tradition.” For him, all outrage—whether about smoking, racism, Tea Partiers or climate change “skepticism”—is just “a place to park your intolerance.” That’s intolerance by the “tolerati” who fetishize tolerance, of course. If you can keep up with that, you’re higher than we are.

When leftists fight for “wussy” causes like social justice and a level playing field, Gutfeld claims, “They don’t really believe that shit—they’re going against their own innate nature because liberalism is anti-man.” He seriously thinks men who fight for things like civil rights and scientific progress are just out to get laid. He calls this fantasy of liberalism for sex a “deal with the devil.” Let’s see if we got this straight: Liberalism is a pussy magnet, but it’s also strictly for “wussies” and losers: “Even with the deck so stacked in their favor,” he writes, “the left still can’t seal the deal. Because their message just doesn’t jibe with the American people.” He wrote this just before Romney had his ass handed to him by Obama in the national election. How was that, again, Greg? What message doesn’t jibe?

In his rant against Occupy Wall Street, Gutfeld writes, nonjokingly: “I will wager that most of the students who were [pepper-] sprayed wouldn’t have traded that moment for a million bucks.” They were in it for the extra credit, bragging rights and “later, a job in media or academia.” Besides, he says, being pepper-sprayed is no big deal; “the discomfort fades fast.” Okay, Greg, prove it. Take a shot right in the face. We’ll give you extra credit.

Then there’s that other mystery: Is he gay or isn’t he? Gutfeld’s love-hate relationship to mutual man love is one of the saddest parts of his bowel-like psyche. He says he likes gay marriage, but tosses his dickhead fan base a bone by comparing it to marrying your dog. Been done, Greg.

Obsessively spouting quips about groping houseboys and banging his male guests, our A-hole comes off like a cartoon version of an unouted, homophobic Republican. (Is it a coincidence the poor kid was reared in “a Jesuit-Catholic all-boys high school?”)

Gutfeld’s apparent gay subtext, it turns out, is actually one of his running gags: As he divulges in The Joy of Hate, his secret-life schtick is a game he dreamt up with fellow ex-lefty Andrew Breitbart to see if foes would “resort to calling me a homosexual.” As for us, we couldn’t care less where he sticks his dick, unless it’s in S.E. Cupp and somebody took photos. Come to think of it, Greg, you could prove your hetero cred by sending us shots of you putting it to your hot beard, Elena Moussa. (Can’t promise we won’t Photoshop you out.)

Making crapola claims like “I’ve never met more tolerant people than Texans,” he seriously says if you’re a “gay cross-dressing cowboy,” you should enforce that tolerance with a shotgun. So, in other words, if you demand respect verbally, you’re “tolerati,” but letting two barrels do the talking is okay. We can only hope Greg starts messing with gay black Texans.

His take on race is just as twisted. He quotes a friend of his, saying “the only people hurt by racism these days are the racists.” Seriously? Tell that to the black kid on Staten Island beaten with a pipe and the teenage girl shot to death in L.A.—just two out of hundreds of recent hate crimes.

We could go on about his endless crap—all of which is a big rimjob for boss Roger Ailes—but we’re already bored of Gutfeld and his stale humor. He’s the kind of wad that probably thinks being called Asshole of the Month is an honor. We created it, Greg, so take it from us: It’s not.

Just look at that face. What does it tell you? When we at HUSTLER look at it, we see the kind of guy who was bullied in high school and a loner in college. No friends, male or female—especially not female. Actually, political consultant and Fox News commentator Frank Luntz looks gay. Not macho gay, more nebbish gay. It’s what we call the Karl Rove Syndrome: the need to pay back your former peers for all the shit you got while growing up.

Like Rove, Luntz has figured that one out. He’s intent on making life as miserable as possible for everyone in the 99%, and he can do it thanks to his gift for propaganda. Luntz is probably the Republican Party’s single most important strategist. That’s because he is a master at using language—or should we say perverting language?—to sway America’s voters. For example, he changed the term inheritance tax to death tax. Why? Because he recognized that the words death tax stirred resentment in people, unlike inheritance tax.

During a 2003 interview on the PBS program Frontline, Luntz declared, “Eighty percent of our life is emotion, and only 20% is intellect. I am much more interested in how you feel than how you think.” Of course he is. If people think about the issues, they’ll see that the Republicans are out to screw the average working-class American. The way around that is emotionally loaded words that obscure the truth. Can you say “Orwellian”? Luntz can.

In fact, Luntz actually redefined the word Orwellian, which traditionally describes pretty much the kind of thing that Luntz does: redefine reality, making what’s not real seem real. But Luntz, keying in on George Orwell’s essay “Politics and the English Language,” has cooked up a totally different meaning: “To be Orwellian is to speak with absolute clarity, to be succinct, to explain what the event is, to talk about what triggers something happening…and to do so without any pejorative whatsoever.” Can you say “evil”?

Yes, Luntz is evil. If he’s not, then the word evil has no meaning at all. Luntz is the guy who convinced the George W. Bush Administration to use the term global climate change instead of global warming because it sounded less alarming. This was, you understand, all part of the GOP’s strategy to convince people that the issue of global warming was still being debated among scientists even though Luntz, the strategist, knew “the scientific debate is closing [against us] but not yet closed.” In other words: Fuck the planet and obstruct climate science. That’s evil, isn’t it? It’s certainly dishonest.

Dishonesty adheres to Frank Luntz like dog shit to a shoe. In 1996, his dubious methodology caught the attention of the American Association for Public Opinion Research (AAPOR), which asked to see some of his polling data. Citing client confidentiality, Luntz refused.

Here’s how Diane Colasanto, then AAPOR president, responded: “We understand the need for confidentiality, but once a pollster makes results public, the information needs to be public. People need to be able to evaluate whether it was sound research.”

The National Council on Public Polls censured Luntz “for allegedly mischaracterizing on MSNBC the results of focus groups” he’d conducted during the 2000 Republican National Convention. In September 2004, MSNBC dropped Luntz from its planned coverage of that year’s Presidential debate when Media Matters released a letter outlining Luntz’s GOP ties and questionable polling methodology.

More recently, Luntz was given the 2010 PolitiFact Lie of the Year award for convincing Republicans to use the term government takeover when referring to healthcare reform. (FYI: PolitiFact is a Pulitzer Prize-winning factchecking Web site.) Luntz knew that in the public’s mind, government takeovers are evil— something dictators do. By applying that pejorative term to Obamacare, Republican lawmakers were reasonably successful in avoiding a discussion about what the bill really sought to accomplish: health insurance for all. (The healthcare program wasn’t to be run by the government in any case; the insurance companies would retain control but be better regulated.)

In a memo to the GOP discussing Obama’s plan to create jobs, Luntz wrote: “It is tempting to counterattack using facts and figures. Resist the temptation. … The President’s language works because it speaks to a series of individual proposals that common sense suggests will lead to job creation.” In other words, deceive the public. Stay away from those pesky facts. Lie.

Today Luntz, through deception and lies, continues his efforts to help the GOP wield power in Washington. One of his main targets is the Occupy Wall Street movement, which he’s admitted has him “so scared” that he’s “frightened to death. They’re having an impact on what the American people think about capitalism.” So Luntz has coined some new terms with which to frame—or should we say obfuscate—the Republicans’ argument.

Here are some of the most glaring examples: Instead of government spending, Republicans refer to government waste. Instead of rich, they say job creator. Instead of Wall Street, they say Washington. This last switcheroo is very instructive. It’s actually Wall Street that controls our government, but Luntz and his fellow pro-Big Business right-wingers would have you believe the precise opposite is true.

So what more can we say about someone who makes his living by deceiving people? That Luntz is a pathetic excuse for a human being? Yes, without a doubt. That he is responsible for the corruption of our political process? He’s certainly one of the people responsible. That he’s a douchebag? Absolutely. Most of all, however, we see Frank Luntz as a man who has betrayed the very precepts of the democracy he lives in.

We see him as a traitor.

from HUSTLER Magazine October 2012

Hey, Billy boy, it’s been a while. The last time you graced this page was in 2003. We’re shocked that we let so much time go by. After all, you still have your show on the Fox News Channel. And it’s not as if you stopped being an asshole. In fact, you are clearly a bigger asshole than ever. Still, it might have taken us a bit longer to get back to you if it weren’t for your idiotic position regarding the fatal shooting of 17-year-old Florida resident Trayvon Martin.

First you complained about the public outcry that it took so long for the shooter, George Zimmerman, to be arrested. Then you attacked the victim by asking, “Is there anything wrong with knowing that he was suspended three times from school?” Really, Bill?! Using Martin’s scholastic records as possible justification for his shooting? Just how stupid are you?

The facts are clear: An unarmed African- American kid was gunned down by a selfappointed neighborhood watchman who pursued his quarry despite being instructed not to do so by a police dispatcher. Zimmerman shot and killed an innocent person. Nothing changes that, not even if Martin had burned down his school.

Then, Bill, there was your defense of Geraldo Rivera’s statement that “I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman.” We’ve searched our files, and we can find no record of a hoodie ever being indicted for murder. Of course we get your Fox News colleague’s point: Black people shouldn’t wear hoodies—ever!—because they’re black! Only white people can get away with wearing them because, according to you and Rivera, white people don’t look like “wannabe gangsters” when they wear hoodies. That’s not just stupid, Bill. That’s downright racist.

But enough about your pathetic comments on the Trayvon Martin tragedy. We have ten years’ worth of O’Reilly stupidity to catch up on, starting with Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown University law student who was called a “slut” and “prostitute” by Rush Limbaugh (another stupid asshole).

Fluke originally made the news by testifying at a House Democrats’ steering committee hearing, where she expressed her support of mandatory health insurance coverage for contraceptives.
Republicans, on the other hand, were arguing that employers should not have to include contraception as part of their health insurance policies.

That’s where you came in, Bill. You (falsely) surmised that Fluke was advocating the government should pay for her birth control so she could have sex. (Full disclosure: HUSTLER believes the government should pay for women’s contraception so they will have sex with us.) You went on to suggest that if the government pays for a woman’s birth control, it should also pay for a man’s football equipment and gym membership…because they both ultimately relate to health.

That’s too ridiculous to comment on. In 2005, you first stated that Dr. George Tiller, who provided legal abortions at a clinic in Kansas, was “guilty of Nazi stuff.” You also referred to him as “Tiller the Baby Killer”—over and over. At the time, we thought you were inciting your loony audience to commit murder. Indeed, the gunman who ultimately assassinated Dr. Tiller in 2009 was exactly the kind of right-wing loon your show appeals to. Like many across the land, we blame you for his death, Bill.

You want to challenge that? Well, here’s another incendiary remark you made regarding the pro-choice doctor: “If the state of Kansas doesn’t stop this man [Tiller], then anybody who prevents that from happening has blood on their hands, as the Governor [Kathleen Sebelius] does right now.”

Remember that quote? Or how about this one? “No question Dr. Tiller has blood on his hands, but now so does Governor Sebelius. She is not fit to serve, nor is any Kansas politician who supports Tiller’s business of destruction. I wouldn’t want to be these people if there is a Judgment Day.”

In our opinion, that sure sounds like inciting violence. But if you think we’re wrong, let us give you an example of how an audience can be indirectly encouraged to take action.

We know you are paranoid about your wife having affairs with other men. In fact, you have been accused of pressuring the Nassau County [New York] Police Department into investigating whether or not she was cheating on you. We are therefore encouraging any of our readers who come across Mrs. O’Reilly to give her a friendly smile. Apparently she could use a relationship outside a marriage that, we assume, she finds unfulfilling.

Get our point, Bill?

Finally, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention your 2004 mix-up with former Fox News associate producer Andrea Mackris, who sued you for sexual harassment. She claimed that your repeated sexual overtures and numerous phone calls to her home created a hostile work environment.

Here is a portion of your remarks, which were allegedly caught on tape: “So anyway, I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind…and then I would take the other hand with the falalfel [sic] thing, and I’d put it in your pussy.”

To top things off, according to Mackris, you even threatened her, warning, “If any woman breathed a word, I’ll make her pay so dearly that she’ll wish she’d never been born. I’ll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she’ll be destroyed.” Since it’s widely believed you settled with Mackris (some say to the tune of $20 million), we have to assume her accusations were true. If so, that makes you a pig as well as an asshole.

Wow! You know what, Bill? Given all of the foregoing, we’re the real assholes for having waited so long to take another shot at you.

When the name Ann Coulter is mentioned, a flood of words comes to mind: mean, angry, extremist, conservative, inflammatory, hideous, arrogant, male. Regarding that last adjective, we are speaking specifically of a male who is angry because he looks like a woman—sort of. You could throw the adjective ugly into the mix, but that’s probably redundant. Seriously, how many men have you seen in a dress who are good-looking?

What we’ve just said about the author and pundit would be out of bounds were it not for the fact that everything Ann Coulter says is out of bounds. Here are some examples:

“If I’m going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I’ll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot.”

“We should invade their [Islamic] countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.” “I think [women] should be armed but should not vote. … Women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. They have a lot of ideas on how to spend it…it’s always more money on education, more money on child care, more money on day care.’’

In the last quote, Coulter actually seems to acknowledge she’s not a woman. We presume the neocon believes she should have the right to vote. And her words make it crystal clear that Coulter knows she does not think the way women do.

It has long been postulated—by HUSTLER and others—that Ann Coulter is a hermaphrodite or is intersexed with scrambled genes. One disorder linked to intersexing is Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, which can cause males to be born with underdeveloped genitals or even female sex organs, including a vagina. Screwed up chromosomes could explain 6-foot-tall Ann’s boyish figure and Adam’s apple.

It’s worth noting that investigative reporter Brad Friedman, writing for this magazine in April 2008, stated that on June 15, 2005, when Coulter filled out an application to become a Florida voter, she left blank the section specifying sex. Supplying false information on such a document is a third-degree felony that could result in a $5,000 fine and/or five years in prison. But enough about Coulter’s mutant sexuality. The reason she appears here has more to do with her stated political beliefs. Let’s take a look at them.

Taxes: Coulter is against raising taxes on millionaires but is in favor of raising taxes on the poor. Specifically, she wants the 47% of American citizens who don’t pay taxes to start ponying up. Those are the people at or below the poverty line; they can’t afford to pay taxes.

Social Security: Coulter wants to end the FDR legacy—immediately. She’s said “there are the 39 million greedy geezers collecting Social Security. The Greatest Generation rewarded itself with a pretty big meal.” According to Ann, Social Security is a “Ponzi scheme” that she wants to “destroy…root and branch.” Of course, it’s not a Ponzi scheme. Social Security is a retirement program paid for by working people and their employers. What’s despicable is that the Republicans, including Coulter, would love to steal that massive trove of money to help pay down the national debt. It won’t bother Ann to see our streets clogged with senior citizens living under bridges and begging for food.

Afghanistan: Coulter wants the United States out of there the day after tomorrow if not sooner. Sounds good, right? But that’s only her position because President Barack Obama is for a slower withdrawal of troops. As recently as 2010, Coulter was saying “bombs are the answer.” Going back farther still, she said the war in Afghanistan was going “swimmingly,” and before that she justified the war because it was “against fundamentalism”— Islamic fundamentalism, not Christian.

Health insurance: Coulter wants insurers to be able to sell policies across state lines. Her thinking is that the resulting competition would drive down insurance rates. However, according to the Congressional Budget Office, while young people who are healthy would, in fact, pay less for their health insurance, older people—those most likely to get sick—would pay more. But the real problem is that health insurance providers would all flock to the state with the most favorable regulations. To put it another way, these companies would relocate to the state where they could most easily screw the people they insure.

We saw this with the credit card industry. Citibank literally wrote the regulations for the state of South Dakota as a requisite for basing its credit card operations there. No surprise: Other credit card issuers quickly set up shop in South Dakota as well. That’s why your credit card company is able to screw you with astronomical interest rates and hidden fees.

Regardless of her sex, Ann Coulter is a pig. She has absolutely no empathy and no concern for average working people. We annoy her. That’s largely because she was born into a life of privilege. Her father was an attorney for Phelps Dodge Corporation, a mining company believed to be responsible for as many as 13 toxic waste sites in violation of federal environmental regulations. (Ann’s dad was a pig as well.)

It’s not a big leap to say his daughter was raised to view all but the top 1% as worthless peasants. Looking at Ann through that lens, all of her positions and pronouncements finally come into focus.

Message to Ann Coulter: Blow yourself. Seriously. Put that thing between your legs into your mouth and suck on it until you come. It’s up to you if you want to swallow.

When we at HUSTLER think of Willard Mitt Romney—the former governor of Massachusetts and current Republican Presidential aspirant—T.S. Eliot’s poem The Hollow Men comes to mind. How else would you describe someone who has no discernible identity? Oh sure, flip-flopper kinda works, but does it really convey the truly empty and vacuous entity that is Mitt Romney? Of course not.

So just how hollow is Mitt Romney exactly?

That’s not an easy question to answer, given that it’s impossible to know what Mitt really believes in—if indeed he believes in anything at all. In less than ten years, the former CEO of Bain Capital has totally reversed himself on such issues as abortion, same-sex marriage, gun ownership, tax reform, climate change, healthcare and probably a few other issues we’ve forgotten about.

How is such a thing possible? Well, of course, Romney is lying about at least half and maybe even all of the positions he’s taken. It’s possible he doesn’t believe in anything except, perhaps, lying to get what he wants. But even with that, wouldn’t a person feel shame about being such a transparent liar? Or is it possible that the supposedly committed Mormon not only doesn’t believe in anything but also doesn’t feel anything? That would truly make him a hollow man.

Hollow men don’t care about other people. From his early adult years, when Romney served as a bishop in the Mormon church, we have this story reported in the New York Times : Carrel Hilton Sheldon, a married mother of four, was advised by her doctor to terminate her pregnancy because he feared a potentially dangerous blood clot. But Romney, she alleges, insisted—as a representative of his church— that she not go forward with the procedure. According to Mrs. Sheldon, “He was blind to me as a human being.”

That lack of concern for people followed Romney into the job market. As CEO of Bain Capital— a private equity investment firm specializing in leveraged buyouts—he bought companies, sold the assets and shipped the jobs overseas. In many cases, although the acquisition was eventually forced into bankruptcy, Bain Capital still made a huge profit. Romney later said if he had the opportunity to do it over again, he would “be more sensitive” to that issue. Notice he didn’t say he’d do things differently.
We all know about Romney’s “I like being able to fire people” quote. Those who defend the Presidential wannabe for that remark point out he was talking about healthcare companies that weren’t providing “good service.” But we’d like to note that most people would say they “changed companies” or they “like changing companies” when they don’t get good service.

Of course, in Romney’s case, he has had a lot of experience canning employees of the companies he took over at Bain Capital, so the words “I like being able to fire people” would seem to flow naturally from his lips. We wonder how many insurance companies he’s “fired,” if any. Additionally, most people are just stuck with their healthcare provider. Only the superrich like Romney can afford to shop around.

Continuing our analysis of Romney’s attitude toward people, let us not forget that this is the man who said “Corporations are people.” Again we have to ask, can he really believe that?

Because, right on the face of it, that’s nonsense.Yet he said it with no shame.You can see him saying it on YouTube. It’s clear he’s talking down to the people who have just challenged him. He is, in our view, once again a Mormon bishop telling people not what’s real but what to think. Mitt’s talking doctrine instead of facts.

We all know what Republican doctrine is. It’s for ending Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, and it’s stringently against legalized abortion, same-sex marriage, tax increases for the superrich, banking regulation, the closing of corporate loopholes and, most notably, against Obamacare, which is based on Romneycare, the heathcare program implemented in Massachusetts when Mitt was governor. These Republican positions are all anti-people or at least antipeople who are not part of the 1%. And, of course, the 1% includes Romney with his $250-million nest egg.

It is worth noting that Romney’s 2010 tax return reveals he paid 13.9% in taxes. That is significantly lower than what the average working person pays. Additionally, Romney is hiding millions in the Cayman Islands, an offshore tax haven. The only question is, how many millions?

This is a man who, even though he wants to be President of the United States, doesn’t want to contribute to the well-being of his country by paying his fair share in taxes.

In essence, he’s screwing all of us. So for Willard Mitt Romney, we offer this T.S. Eliot-inspired poem:
You are of the hollow men
You are of the stuffed men
Looting together
Headpiece filled with greed. Alas!
Your dried avarices, when
You whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or vulture capitalists crawling over broken glass
To get to do their leveraged buyouts
This is the way your candidacy ends
This is the way your candidacy ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

FARTS IN THE WIND from HUSTLER Magazine

The Texas Commission on Environmental Quality has caused a big stink thanks to accusations that it censored information about global warming in a report about Galveston Bay. This included an article written by the Houston Advanced Research Center’s John B. Anderson, a professor of oceanography at Rice University. Anderson says the state agency deleted all references to climate change and sea-level rise. “I don’t think these are contentious points—that’s the sad part,” he told the New York Times. “This is information that needs to be out there for the general public, for schoolteachers when they teach their kids.” After a Texas lawmaker voiced concerns about watering down the report “without a valid explanation or alternative,” TCEQ spokesman Andy Saenz countered, “Why should we include questionable information we don’t agree with?” He failed to mention that the panel’s members are appointed by Governor Rick Perry, who derides global warming as “an unproven scientific theory.” We agree with Anderson’s assessment: “It’s all politics.”

from HUSTLER Magazine July 2011

• Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas’s sidekick on the U.S. Supreme  Court, recently made headlines for proclaiming in California Lawyer  magazine that the 14th Amendment (citizenship,due process and equal- protection clauses) does not extend to protecting women against sex discrimination.  Apparently he doesn’t consider women to be “people.”  In  fact, Scalia believes women, gays and all emerging minorities should be  left at the mercy of the prevailing political majority when it comes to  ensuring fair treatment.  Back in September 2010 he told an audience at  the University of California Hastings College of Law that “if the current  society wants to outlaw discrimination by sex…you have legislatures.”

• Curveball, an Iraqi informer whose real name is Rafid Ahmed  Alwan al-Janabi, claimed that Saddam Hussein’s regime was developing mobile biological warfare labs, thereby building a case for the  Iraq War.  After more than seven years of hostilities and the deaths of  thousands of U.S. troops and countless Iraqi civilians, al-Janabi recently admitted to the Guardiannewspaper that he was full of shit:“I had the chance to fabricate something to topple the regime.  I and my  sons are proud of that.” And we’re proud to also deride the CIA. In  2004 the U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee reported that the spy  agency “withheld important information about Curveball’s reliability”  from U.S. analysts dealing with the informant’s claim.  For God’s sake,  al-Janabi was a cab driver.