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Asshole of the Month – from HUSTLER Magazine – June 2010

Glenn BeckIs he insane, stupid or just a clever cynic manipulating the public in pursuit of a buck? We think that Glenn Beck, who hosts a syndicated radio talk show and a televised counterpart on Fox News, is all three. Whatever the case, Beck is certainly an ugly, misshapen blob who spews out hate and misinformation that’s poisoning how Americans think and thereby weakening our country.

Still, we can’t help but pity Beck. There’s good reason for his twisted, corrosive mind-set. The poor guy’s childhood was a nightmare: His parents divorced when he was 13, his mother drowned in a boating accident two years later, and his stepbrother committed suicide. The Internet paints an even worse picture, but we choose not to go there and pray, for Beck’s sake, that the rumors aren’t true.

Considering his background, it’s no wonder that Beck is a mess of putrid contradictions and noxious bile. But a person like that should be given medical and psychological assistance. Instead, he’s been elevated to one of the highest rungs of our consumer-driven society: media star. What is it about Americans that makes so many flock to freaks? And how different is it from the Roman Empire’s bread and circuses?

That figure of speech refers to Roman rulers providing the masses food and entertainment, namely the bloody spectacles that took place in the Colosseum. And while Beck isn’t feeding Christians to the lions, there’s plenty of spectacle on his nightly show, as gleaned from the following quotes:

•“I’m thinking of killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I could hire somebody to do it…no, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out of him. Is that wrong?” •“The only [Hurricane Katrina victims] we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” •“You know, we all have our inner demons—I, for one. I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”

And that’s why America watches! We’re waiting to see what Beck will do or say next.We’re waiting to see if he will, in fact, collapse right before our eyes. Or if, given his family history, he’ll commit suicide on camera. It’s a freak show that’s earned Beck a reported $50 million! He has actually made his diagnosed attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder pay off!

The problem is that the Asshole’s loyal viewers believe the outlandish things Beck says. Consider his insane quote that President Obama has “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture…I believe this guy is a racist.”

There are two things wrong with that statement: Beck has absolutely no evidence to support the claim, and it inflames the gullible who are looking for an excuse—any excuse—to reject this nation’s first African-American President. Rather than discuss the issues intelligently, Beck steers his audience toward their own bigoted preconceptions.

Here’s another Beck bauble: “Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It’s the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did. That’s what Al Gore, the U.N. and everybody on the global-warming bandwagon [are doing].”

There are a number of problems with the foregoing statement. First, Beck smears Gore by tying him to Hitler, a cheap tactic with no credible backup. Next, he contends that Gore—like the Nazi dictator— is trying to silence dissenting voices. This would only be true if you felt making a strong, forceful argument based on science, facts and logic were somehow unfair because it silenced critics who could not back up their own position with science, facts and logic.

Finally, Beck ties global warming to globalization when the only thing those two notions have in common are the six letters that spell global. Global warming is a worldwide problem that could destroy us all. On the other hand, globalization is an attempt to create a single world government controlled by corporations. That latter idea, by the way, is embraced wholeheartedly by Beck and his fellow rightwingers, who support so-called free trade.

Does Beck see the contradictions in his assertions? He bellows, for example, “I consider myself a libertarian. I’m a conservative, but every day that goes by, I’m fighting for individual rights.” If you’re a libertarian conservative, you oppose regulating corporations even if they are detrimental to individuals. Ipso facto, the two concepts—being a right-wing libertarian and supporting individual rights—are incompatible.

One has to wonder what’s going on inside Beck’s excuse for a brain. It’s easy to imagine a whole lot of screaming, probably between his ego and his logic center. As for his libido, that’s probably curled up in the fetal position, sucking on its thumb. You know the guy is pussywhipped, right?

By Beck’s own admission, his second wife, Tania, rules the roost. Apparently she’s the reason the blowhard became a Mormon: “My wife is, like, hot, and she wouldn’t have sex with me until we got married, and she wouldn’t marry me unless we had a religion.” Of course, Beck already had one: Catholicism. Guess that wasn’t good enough for the missus. Tania had to find something that came with magic underwear for the hubby.

Of course, there’s another way of looking at Beck’s conversion: Three days after being baptized, the out-of-work disc jockey entered talk radio for the first time, launching The Glenn Beck Program at a Tampa, Florida, station. Cynics say it was the result of the powerful Mormon Church exerting its influence.

One last thing, Tania: Your husband prayed that Democratic congressman Dennis Kucinich would burst into flames. We pray that you kill your husband in his sleep.


HUSTLER Magazine - JUNE 2010

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