from HUSTLER Magazine December 2010

The former Chairman and CEO of Hewlett- Packard should be the poster child for the term failing upward. Carly Fiorina did such a horrible job at HP that the company was willing to pay out her $42-million golden parachute rather than keep her around.

The online business magazine Condé Nast Portfolio listed Fiorina as one of “The 20 Worst American CEOs of All Time.” The Wall Street Journal said “[HP’s board members] lost faith in Carly…it is difficult to find anyone involved with HP today—board member, shareholder, employee, customer, analysts—who isn’t happy that Ms. Fiorina is gone.”

The Associated Press quoted Jeffrey Sonnenfeld of Yale University School of Management, who described Fiorina’s tenure as “a reign of terror and poor performance.” The Los Angeles Times added, “She axed tens of thousands of jobs, killed HP’s beloved profit-sharing plan, and in the eyes of her many passionate critics, exorcised the benevolent ghosts of company founders Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard.” With “flowery” assessments like that, it shouldn’t be a big surprise that Fiorina has been largely unemployable since leaving HP—unless you count her consultancy for John McCain during his 2008 Presidential bid.

Unable to get a decent job in the business community, Carly is now exploring the world of politics. Using the same intellectual acuity she displayed at HP, Fiorina thinks she has a shot at unseating Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California). One of the best lawmakers on Capitol Hill, Boxer is always fighting for the little guy. Fiorina, on the other hand, fights for Big Business at the expense of the little guy. Want proof? “In the course of my time there [at HP], we laid off over 30,000 people,” this Prada-wearing, fish-faced Asshole told InformationWeek magazine.

“I know why they [jobs] leave [our country],” Fiorina continued. So do we: People like her send them to China, where labor costs are 60 cents an hour. Thanks for helping kill our manufacturing base, Carly.

We are aware that screwing workers is not why she got fired from HP. (The company was just fine with that.) It was because of her HP-Compaq merger, which is credited with devaluing HP stock by over 50%. The day after she was dismissed, that same stock rose a dramatic 6.9%. This would be humiliating to anyone other than Fiorina, who is obviously shameless.

Like a fly chasing a pig, Fiorina’s incompetence has followed her into the political arena. After appearing at window-maker Anlin Industries in Clovis, California, she released this statement: “It’s clear that the $862 billion [stimulus] plan has stimulated nothing but growth in the size and scope of government.” However, Anlin’s Web site states the manufacturer was, in fact, helped by the stimulus plan, which allowed homeowners to recover up to 30% of the cost for window replacements.

Okay, you ask: If Fiorina is so bad, where is she getting the money to finance her campaign? Someone must believe in her. Well, remember that $42 million Hewlett-Packard forked over? That wasn’t all the ex-CEO walked off with. Despite costing stockholders a bundle, she earned a total of almost $100 million during her stint with the company. Now she’s using that money to produce and buy TV advertising. So it’s Carly Fiorina who believes in Carly Fiorina.

We, on the other hand, find it easier to believe in the tooth fairy. For example, why vote for a politician who has, herself, rarely been politically active (prior to now)? Fiorina has voted in only a third of all elections since 2000 and has no voting record prior to moving to California in 1999. Beyond that, she is anti-choice, believes marriage should solely involve a man and a woman, opposes the legalization of marijuana, supports the death penalty, wants to cut taxes for the rich and the giant corporations and is against extending unemployment benefits.

Fiorina’s reason for slashing unemployment benefits is tied to her belief that government should reduce spending. That sounds good until you realize it involves cutting funds that would otherwise go to states for schools, hospitals, roads and social programs that poor people depend on. Like we said, Fiorina is against the little guy and for the super- rich, which means she’s for people like herself.

But here’s the absolute worst of Fiorina’s political positions: She is against more rigorous government regulation of Wall Street—despite the fact that it was the deregulation of the financial industry that caused America’s current economic meltdown. If, by some strange perverted act of Satan, she should win Boxer’s U.S. Senate seat, her position on that single issue could help usher in another economic calamity.

How ironic that a person who can’t get work in the business sector—given her piss-poor record— now wants to be supported by American taxpayers even as she puts the screws to us. Fuck you, Carly!