Asshole of the Month – from HUSTLER Magazine – June 2010

Is he insane, stupid or just a clever cynic manipulating the public in pursuit of a buck? We think that Glenn Beck, who hosts a syndicated radio talk show and a televised counterpart on Fox News, is all three. Whatever the case, Beck is certainly an ugly, misshapen blob who spews out hate and misinformation that’s poisoning how Americans think and thereby weakening our country.

Still, we can’t help but pity Beck. There’s good reason for his twisted, corrosive mind-set. The poor guy’s childhood was a nightmare: His parents divorced when he was 13, his mother drowned in a boating accident two years later, and his stepbrother committed suicide. The Internet paints an even worse picture, but we choose not to go there and pray, for Beck’s sake, that the rumors aren’t true.

Considering his background, it’s no wonder that Beck is a mess of putrid contradictions and noxious bile. But a person like that should be given medical and psychological assistance. Instead, he’s been elevated to one of the highest rungs of our consumer-driven society: media star. What is it about Americans that makes so many flock to freaks? And how different is it from the Roman Empire’s bread and circuses?

That figure of speech refers to Roman rulers providing the masses food and entertainment, namely the bloody spectacles that took place in the Colosseum. And while Beck isn’t feeding Christians to the lions, there’s plenty of spectacle on his nightly show, as gleaned from the following quotes:

•“I’m thinking of killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I could hire somebody to do it…no, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out of him. Is that wrong?” •“The only [Hurricane Katrina victims] we’re seeing on television are the scumbags.” •“You know, we all have our inner demons—I, for one. I can’t speak for you, but I’m on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.”

And that’s why America watches! We’re waiting to see what Beck will do or say next.We’re waiting to see if he will, in fact, collapse right before our eyes. Or if, given his family history, he’ll commit suicide on camera. It’s a freak show that’s earned Beck a reported $50 million! He has actually made his diagnosed attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder pay off!

The problem is that the Asshole’s loyal viewers believe the outlandish things Beck says. Consider his insane quote that President Obama has “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture…I believe this guy is a racist.”

There are two things wrong with that statement: Beck has absolutely no evidence to support the claim, and it inflames the gullible who are looking for an excuse—any excuse—to reject this nation’s first African-American President. Rather than discuss the issues intelligently, Beck steers his audience toward their own bigoted preconceptions.

Here’s another Beck bauble: “Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It’s the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did. That’s what Al Gore, the U.N. and everybody on the global-warming bandwagon [are doing].”

There are a number of problems with the foregoing statement. First, Beck smears Gore by tying him to Hitler, a cheap tactic with no credible backup. Next, he contends that Gore—like the Nazi dictator— is trying to silence dissenting voices. This would only be true if you felt making a strong, forceful argument based on science, facts and logic were somehow unfair because it silenced critics who could not back up their own position with science, facts and logic.

Finally, Beck ties global warming to globalization when the only thing those two notions have in common are the six letters that spell global. Global warming is a worldwide problem that could destroy us all. On the other hand, globalization is an attempt to create a single world government controlled by corporations. That latter idea, by the way, is embraced wholeheartedly by Beck and his fellow rightwingers, who support so-called free trade.

Does Beck see the contradictions in his assertions? He bellows, for example, “I consider myself a libertarian. I’m a conservative, but every day that goes by, I’m fighting for individual rights.” If you’re a libertarian conservative, you oppose regulating corporations even if they are detrimental to individuals. Ipso facto, the two concepts—being a right-wing libertarian and supporting individual rights—are incompatible.

One has to wonder what’s going on inside Beck’s excuse for a brain. It’s easy to imagine a whole lot of screaming, probably between his ego and his logic center. As for his libido, that’s probably curled up in the fetal position, sucking on its thumb. You know the guy is pussywhipped, right?

By Beck’s own admission, his second wife, Tania, rules the roost. Apparently she’s the reason the blowhard became a Mormon: “My wife is, like, hot, and she wouldn’t have sex with me until we got married, and she wouldn’t marry me unless we had a religion.” Of course, Beck already had one: Catholicism. Guess that wasn’t good enough for the missus. Tania had to find something that came with magic underwear for the hubby.

Of course, there’s another way of looking at Beck’s conversion: Three days after being baptized, the out-of-work disc jockey entered talk radio for the first time, launching The Glenn Beck Program at a Tampa, Florida, station. Cynics say it was the result of the powerful Mormon Church exerting its influence.

One last thing, Tania: Your husband prayed that Democratic congressman Dennis Kucinich would burst into flames. We pray that you kill your husband in his sleep.

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OUR ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES ON CAPITOL HILL HAVE SCREWED US RIGHT AND LEFT. IT’S TIME TO SEND A POWERFUL MESSAGE.

by Alex Bennett
From HUSTLER MAGAZINE – March 2010

The other day I saw an interview with that enemy of the people, Glenn Beck. I’ve always believed the adage that even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and Beck proved me right when he said, “Everybody is mad at Washington.”

The people who disgusted me at those televised town hall meetings and at the March on Washington—yelling and screaming their nonsense while clutching badly spelled signs— were angry at the body politic.Well, so am I.

Have I become one of them? My politics are different, but my ire is just as rich. I too share a hatred for that fools confederation in the legislative and administrative branches of government that makes our lives a living hell. I differ, however, in how I see the country moving forward.

Politicians! Day after day, week after week, year after year, they sit around playing a stupid little game using their dicks (and some vaginas) as swords to see who has the power. At the same time, We the People sit with our dicks in our hands doing nothing while getting screwed. The worst part is we put up with it thinking that eventually these jerks will fix the economy. In fact, they keep playing their games, and we keep suffering.

Once a U.S. senator gets elected, he stays in office for six years. When it’s time for reelection, he has accrued enough power (read: money from lobbyists) to retain his seat. This cycle repeats itself until one day the senator drops dead of old age—an age achieved due to a great healthcare plan paid for by us.

In the meantime lobbyists bought him lunches and dinners, paid for his trips to exotic lands and gave him who knows how many other perks that will allow his family to inherit millions. All that time he lived off the public dole while using his influence to wheel and deal. What do we get? An early grave and the debt we leave our loved ones.

These guys are a bunch of worthless fucks, and even the best of them doesn’t make up for the rest. It gets worse each year. The games get nastier, and less gets done. As of now this country is at a standstill, paralyzed by the greed and stupidity that is called Washington politics.

Are you getting the idea I’m pissed? Well, I’ll bet you are too—even if your politics are the polar opposite of mine. What we have in common is that we’re sick of the way business is being done in our name. Our politicians have ceased to care about us. It doesn’t matter whether they’re Democrats or Republicans.

Happily, we’re still able to fight back. Forget those well-intentioned letters to your representatives, and enough already with demonstrations and those cute placards with catchy phrases—they’re a waste of time. The good ol’ boys don’t care what you think. They’re way past that. What we need to do is vote the bastards out!

Our supposed two-party system is an illusion. The Democratic and Republican parties have almost finished their merge into a single, pro-corporate entity. The fighting between them is a charade designed to keep us thinking there is a difference. It’s time for a third party that responds to the needs of 21st-century Americans.

I wish that some of the other political parties— for example, the Green Party, the Labor Party—were viable, but they just aren’t. Ross Perot managed to catch that lightning in a bottle until he went off the rails. People responded to Perot because he was articulating the public’s frustrations.

Creating a powerful third party, and even a fourth or fifth party, would be a daunting task that might take many years. So what can we do in the meantime? I say we scare the shit out of them!

Let’s send a message to every incumbent in Washington, even if they’re doing a good job, by not voting for him or her.Vote for a challenger no matter who it is. That doesn’t mean Democrats have to vote Republican or vice versa. There are always other candidates, some of whom might not be that bad once you listen to them.

The message has to be sent to our representatives. We’re their employer, and they’d better shape up. Otherwise they’ll wind up on the same unemployment line with everyone else—the unemployment line created by the politicians. If we kick the bastards out in large enough numbers, they just might pay attention.

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Alex Bennett is a longtime HUSTLER contributor. The two-time Emmy winner, who broke into broadcasting as a teenager, currently calls Sirius Left 146 his radio home.

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