David Thier takes a peek at unclad revelry.
Naked parties aren’t uncommon at Yale University. During the day we might be taking notes about “War and Peace in Theory and History,” but at night we party in the raw. Naked parties are usually hosted by a secret society known as The Pundits, and they typically entail around 40 to 50 people. Every once in a while there’s a full-on rager, with hundreds of naked kids drinking, dancing and gawking. Some shindigs have themes, particularly Halloween, when nude vampiresses slapped with red paint majestically turn up. Or Cowboys and Indians, where revelers are encouraged to wear feathered headdresses or leather chaps, but jeans are banned.
Nobody attends a naked party simply to wear a cowboy hat. People come because they want to ogle the opposite sex, can’t control their curiosity or just fucking hate clothes. But anyone expecting a Romanesque orgy (without togas) will be disappointed.
A naked party at Yale is like any other group get-together, except for one difference. You’ll see classmates from your bio seminar, or from down the hall or even the girl you hooked up with the other week, all in the buff. Everyone hobnobs and dances, and there’s an occasional whiff of weed. Some people might be acting more intellectual and “normal” than usual, but that’s just to prove that they don’t feel weird. If Nietzsche is coming out of a guy’s mouth, you can bet that tits are on his brain.
But naked parties aren’t about false pretenses. After an hour or so, even the most nervous types are loose enough to check out how everyone shaves, and which guys are packing heat. There are always rumors about a few guys to watch out for at a naked party. Owners of big cocks become celebrities, and these blessed individuals shouldn’t be surprised to be drawing awkward downward glances and the occasional wide-eyed stare.
Looking is all you’re supposed to do, though, because intimate liaisons are strictly forbidden. A Pundit wanders around, trying to deter couples from sliding into a secluded place where they don’t belong. According to one such Pundit: “If excessive kissing or groping happens, the offenders are separated with a dirty 18-inch dildo. There have been occasions when students have had to be physically separated during the act of sex. Naturally, kids still hook up.”
When you get a bunch of naked guys and girls together, some of them are bound to put two and two together. At one patriotically themed party, no amount of dildo-whacking could separate a pair of star-spangled lovebirds as they played hide the salami. But your odds of getting down at a naked hullabaloo aren’t any better than at a normal one—it just provides a better opportunity to see what you’re getting into.
You might think that being nude is just halfway to fucking, but sporting wood at naked parties is a bad move. In a room with 50 unclothed college students, the guy who makes it clear he’s open for business will ensure he doesn’t get any customers. Liquor helps keep the little fella under control, but the only solid way to hold off nature is just to relax and enjoy the fact that you’re at a party where everyone is naked.
Advice to fellow students: Don’t be afraid to eyeball somebody who looks good, or feel weird around those who don’t, or worry about which category you fall into. Naked parties are often touted for shattering social norms and liberating minds, but according to one Pundit, the idea is much more simple: “Yale students like going to naked parties because the parties are naked, and it’s fun to be naked.” Just feel the breeze on your balls, grab a drink and go nuts. And you may want to keep your stomach flexed. That girl with the big tits is looking at you.
David Thier is a sophomore at Yale University’s Davenport College, whose course load includes environmental studies and acting. Besides reviewing video games and music, he writes feature articles for the arts and leisure section of the Yale Daily News. In Thier’s free time, he plays squash and the banjo.
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