Ken Cuccinelli

What kind of absolute, total asshole tries to outlaw blowjobs? This one does. With his recent attempt to reinstate Virginia’s throwback “Crimes Against Nature” law, the state’s attorney general has once and for all declared himself the mortal enemy of all men. If Ken “The Cooch” Cuccinelli had his way, there’d be no oral sex, no anal, no handjobs, no anything that doesn’t result in a God-fearing baby. Hell, he’d probably even outlaw those “VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS” bumper stickers. But here’s the really bad news for Virginians: This anti-sex goon is trying to be your next governor.

The Cooch’s recent effort to suck all the fun out of his state came after his prosecutors failed to nail a 47-year-old dude who asked a 17-yearold girl to blow him. They ignored the obvious charge of attempted statutory rape and instead tried to dust off the state’s musty, crusty sodomy law since it would slap the old creeper with a rock-hard felony rather than just a limp misdemeanor. The U.S. Appeals Court—which exists in the 21st century—rendered a smackdown. The Cooch stepped in to stiffen up his cherished sodomy law. The court had to again slowly spell outunconstitutional for him.

That case involved a man and a girl, but Cuccinelli claims his war on penis-polishing is aimed at gays. He’s so afraid of another man falling onto his dick that he’s willing to ban any kind of sex that doesn’t involve a vagina. “My view is that homosexual acts, not homosexuality, but homosexual acts are wrong,” he crows. What the fuck does that mean? It’s okay to be gay as long as you keep it bottled up until your balls explode? Can any straight dude ever imagine saying, “I sure do love the ladies, but I ain’t ever gonna fuck one”?

Cuccinelli has tried before to turn his obsessive cock blocking into legal precedent. In 2010 he spouted an official—and failed—recommendation that Virginia’s public colleges and universities not include sexual orientation and gender identity in their nondiscrimination policy. What’s next? Straight-only water fountains?

Let’s be clear about this: The idea of men fucking each other makes a lot of guys nauseous. But there’s a big difference between not wanting to think about it too much and Cuccinelli trying to turn his homophobia into state-sponsored hate. Consenting adults should be able to fuck whomever they want and not have to be treated like second-class citizens for it. This is America, Kenny, not Saudi Arabia or Botswana or some damn place.

According to The Cooch, the kind of blow jobs he can’t stop picturing “don’t comport with natural law.” The irony here is that Ken “Crimes Against Nature” Cuccinelli has already demonstrated louder and longer than a goose in heat that he doesn’t know shit about nature.

Take his positions on global warming and pollution, which boldly display his ignorance that even Virginians need fresh air, water and a lack of hurricanes to live. Like a blustering Tea Party sock puppet, Cuccinelli plugs his ears and hollers blah, blah, blah at any mention of the Environmental Protection Agency.

He claimed the EPA “falsified data” in an attempt to drive Virginia’s “economy into the ground.” Why would the EPA would want to do that? Cuccinelli’s not clear on that, but he’s darn sure it has something to do with that black man in the White House, the one who also dared to raise fuel-efficiency standards in line with the Clean Air Act. (We won’t even bother to go into The Cooch’s flirts with birtherism and his war on Obamacare. It’s the same old racist, obstructionist Tea Party claptrap.)

We can already hear Ken braying in objection: He’s not anti-environment; he’s against the government telling free enterprise what to do! Unfortunately, that’s more Teabag ger lip service. Taken as a whole, Cuccinelli’s collective crusades reveal him as a typical rightwing ideologue who cares more about his imaginary wishworld than reality.

No one knows that better than Virginia’s scientists. They’ve had The Cooch up their asses for so long, the state is now suffering a brain drain. Abusing his legal power to carry out a witch-hunt against climate researchers, Cuccinelli embarked on a long campaign to discredit the University of Virginia’s former assistant professor Mich – ael Mann, along with his colleagues, on the basis of the state’s Fraud Against Taxpayers Act. The Cooch’s claims of phony data were ruled vague and unwarranted—unlike Mann’s precise, peer-reviewed work. According to Kenny’s logic, climate change is a giant scam cooked up by crafty eggheads to milk taxpayers out of all that sweet funding cash.

The scam theory is one of Kenny’s most pervasive and insidious themes. In his recent manifesto The Last Line of Defense, The Cooch vilifies all forms of assistance and funding as no better than theft and subsidized addiction. Medicare is “despicable,” welfare is “unconstitutional,” and covering healthcare needs specific to women is like being forced to pay for “kumquats.” In Virginia, being a donkey’s ass won’t necessarily lose you an election, but Cuccinelli’s bag-of-hammers approach to women’s issues just might.

While the attorney general was at it, he decided to piss all over the minority vote as well. Not only did he openly oppose the federal government’s lawsuit against Arizona’s “show me your papers” law, he also tried to authorize Virginia cops to ask anyone they stop to prove their legal status. The one good thing about Kenny is that he’s a useful blueprint of what’s unfixable about the Republican Party.

Virginia’s state Senate Democratic leader, Richard Saslaw, summed up Cuccinelli: “He was Tea Party before there was a Tea Party.” And what if he gets elected governor? “The state is screwed,” Saslaw said with a fine choice of words.

Obviously, there’s only one good way to use Cuccinelli’s beloved “Crimes Against Nature” law: to stop him from sodomizing Virginia.