Roy Moore
In America’s race for stupidest state, the results are in. Alabama is home to enough troglodytes to actually reelect Roy Moore as the state’s chief justice. This shit for brains with hair plugs was ousted by Alabama’s own Court of the Judiciary back in 2003 for blowing tons of taxpayer dollars on a hunk of rock with the Ten Commandments carved on it—plopping it in the judicial building, then refusing a court order to get it the hell out of there.
In other words, Alabama, you just turned the clock back over 3,000 years. While you’re at it, be consistent and give up electricity, dentistry, running water and incest laws. Wait, incest is okay in the Heart of Dixie. We forgot. That must be how we got Judge Moore in the first place.
Let’s look at the ol’ decalogue through his dark lens:
I. Thou shalt have no law above Roy Moore’s.
Like the old motherfucker in the sky who insists puny humans kiss his ass and not even look at another god (typical jealous bitch), Moore thinks the courts are there to do the paperwork after he decides what’s right. Moore argues that it’s not his law but God’s—meaning his God.
Moore recently said that secular government “that is denying God” would eventually lead to Islamic law in the United States. Yes, Sharia law would suck balls, which is why it would be unconstitutional—just like Christian theocracy. Non-religious government doesn’t deny God; it keeps crazy shit like talking snakes and rock-carving fingers of fire out of the lawmaking process. “It would bother me if a judge told me how I had to believe,” Moore once said. So you know how we feel, Judge.
II. Thou shalt not make any graven image, unless it’s of Roy Moore carving the Big Ten.
The jurist’s vaulting hubris—from enshrining the Golden Calf known as “Roy’s Rock” to naming himself the voice of divine law—is an obvious violation of the humility taught by scripture. Moore even enlisted his wife Kayla to spam Alabamians with emails proclaiming him the “national spokesperson for Christian conservatism.” How’s that for humble?
III. Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain, unless it makes a bitchin’ book title.
Calling his autobiography So Help Me God, Moore argues that the Founding Fathers habitually swore oaths to God and intended the Constitution to specify allegiance to a Christian deity. Actually, bona fide historians have documented that the only Founders who took Moore’s position back then were those against ratifying the Constitution.
IV. Remember to beg God for stuff every Sunday because it sure as shit works for Roy Moore.
It may seem like a miracle that Moore is back in office after being a public shitbird for decades, but God’s got nothing to do with it. If there’s one entity Moore should be on his knees thanking, it’s his mortal foe, the American Civil Liberties Union. Before it sued him the first time for hanging the Ten Commandments behind his bench and leading pre-session prayers, he was a nobody. Two lawsuits later he was “Ten Commandments Judge” Moore. Without that ACLU godsend, he’d be just another senile coot in a robe.
V. Honor thy father and thy mother because they brainwashed you first.
Moore relates that he grew up with a father who “shared with me the truth about God’s love.” It’s a good bet the pious codger didn’t spare the rod either. A bag of venom like Roy takes some nurturing. When Moore commanded an MP unit during the Vietnam War, his troops hated the hardass so much, he had to sleep on sandbags so he wouldn’t get fragged in his sleep by a grenade of justice rolling under his cot.
VI. Thou shalt not kill anybody but the ones God doesn’t like according to a hodgepodge of politically motivated writing thousands of years old.
Alabama has been offing death-row inmates for 200 years, but now a theocrat will be wielding “the power of the sword.” Once indicating that gays could be subject to “execution,” Moore has shown no propensity for mercy when it comes to those who defy his Old Testament will. Let’s fence in Alabama and see how long it takes to turn into a real-life Walking Dead.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery—or any other kind of adult fun.
God forbid your sex life isn’t as geriatric and trapped in a moribund marriage as Moore’s. If the judge ain’t having a good time, thou shalt not either. As for gay sex, Moore proclaimed it “an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it.” Don’t that sound like someone who tried it and forgot the lube? “Until we reject those evils,” he moaned, “we shall suffer accordingly.” In other words, bad shit happens because some guys have an innate hankering for dick and some ladies don’t. That’s some intelligent design, that is.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal, which is why there are so many other words for it.
Like earmarking taxpayer funds and church contributions for the biblical boondoggle that boosted his profile but didn’t help a soul.
IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness, unless it’s for political gain.
During his attorney years, Moore was dogged by investigations for accusing his enemies of “suspect conduct.” His claims were tossed out. He also lied about Coral Ridge Ministries, saying “I have no connection” after it poured moolah into his Ten Commandments fight. Most of the campaign cash that put this low-rent Moses back into office came from Michael Peroutka, a lawyer tied to League of the South, a gaggle of white supremacists who do their damnedest to keep the slackjaw redneck stereotype alive. Moore’s response? “I have no idea what they stood for.” Peroutka, by the way, also likes to appear on a white-power radio show called The Political Cesspool. God is one ironic motherfucker.
X. Thou shalt not covet crap that ain’t yours, like happiness and freedom.
Just because you’re miserable, Judge, no need to make everyone else the same way. As Alabamians voted in their Chief Troglodyte, the New York Times reported that even Republicans were “despondent” about how Roy Moore’s victory would affect the state’s image. Amen to that. Not even Lynyrd Skynyrd could bring Alabama back from this one.
